This week I discovered that I have no idea how to kiss—and soon, you will discover that for yourself, too. Sure, I've swapped saliva, but after learning about the Japanese teen craze that is the kisu douga or "kiss video," I realized that I truly know nothing.
Over the past year, thousands of Japan's young people have taken to the country's top video app, MixChannel (basically Japanese Vine), to post romantic "couples videos" in which they make out with their significant others, reports Motherboard.
The kisu douga are creative, romantic—and above all, kawaii (Japanese for "cute" or "smiling cat face with heart-shaped eyes"). They're also controversial, with conservative parents calling the trend exhibitionist, according to Motherboard, and Japanese Twitter arguing that they are not only gross but pretty awkward when the couples break up.
While the olds and the haters do their thing, I say the rest of us use the videos to learn how to up our kissing game. (Before jumping in, however, please make peace with the fact that you may never find a love as beautiful as that of these kids.) Now let the youth of Japan show you how it's done in 8 easy techniques.
The technique: Dig your toes into the sand while your partner cups your face with the force of someone trying to cup water in their hands. Chances are he or she has recently eaten ice cream that sat in the sun a little too long, so don't forget that breath mint!
The technique: They say love is full of surprises! To catch your partner off guard, slip in that tongue a little early. (And to really catch your partner off guard, remove your Dementor hood and suck the life right out of him or her like the soul-slurping fiend that you are.)
The technique: Why sit on the floor and make out in a room when you could sit on the floor and make out in a room surrounded by balloons? Nothing conjures up romance like creating a potentially lethal (don't cite me on that) static electricity vortex.
The technique: The lip-locking in this video is basically the judo of kissing—it requires balance and discipline and years of practice. But someday you, too, can learn to time a kiss to the exact moment when you hit the bottom of a children's slide.
The technique: This video features a mix of video and stills, but the amount of Disney fairytale love going on could provide enough fodder for Taylor Swift’s next three albums. Here's how to do it! Step 1: Be in a relationship with someone for six months. Step 2: Go to Tokyo Disneyland. Step 3: Point at some ducks. Step 4: Go in for the kiss. Easy.
The technique: Ah, yes, the choreographed kiss, set to K-Pop sensation Hari's hit "Kiyomi" (or "Gwiyomi"). First, learn the moves, which you can find here/all over the internet. Second, find the love of your life (you'll know because he or she also knows the Kiyomi choreo). Finally, enact the choreo and slap a kiss in there.
For a more advanced technique, try learning the moves for “Love is a Battlefield.”
The technique: This video offers a creative way to combat the inevitable “love pounds” you gain in a beautiful and rewarding relationship. The only thing you need is the ability to do a push up (which I now realize is the one and only thing hurting my love game).
The technique: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. These people are clearly professionals, and even though you can't see it, there's probably a safety net somewhere in there.