Liz Cheney Wants to Start a War Just Like Her Dad

Photo: David Hume Kennerly (Getty)

Imagine slipping into a coma sometime around 2003, only to wake up on Wednesday morning to learn that a Cheney in Washington was rattling some extremely loud sabers to push for military action in the Middle East, all for the sake of protecting America’s access to precious, precious oil reserves.

“Wow,” you might say. “Time truly is a flat circle.”

I don’t know how you’d know that phrase, because True Detective premiered in 2014. But, you’d have the sentiment exactly correct. Only this time, it’s not Vice President Dick Cheney pushing to invade Iraq, but rather his equally contemptible daughter Rep. Liz Cheney banging the ol’ war drum while salivating at the prospect of shocking and awing Iran, instead.

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Calling for a “proportional military response” after Iran allegedly sent a fleet of drones and missiles to bomb a Saudi Arabian oil facility, Cheney the younger sounded positively giddy at the prospect of continuing her family’s cherished tradition of entangling American troops in a costly war for oil. “It’s got to be a response that is significant enough that it lets the Iranians know that this sort of attack on the global oil supply won’t be accepted, that it won’t go unanswered,” Cheney told reporters on Wednesday, after President Donald Trump announced a new round of sanctions on Iran in the wake of the Saudi attack.

Cheney—the third-ranking Republican in the House—joins a vocal group of conservative carnage lovers (among them ignominiously ousted National Security Advisor John Bolton and presidential golf buddy Sen. Lindsey Graham) in calling for America to dive headfirst into yet another Middle East war, despite the fact that the oil refinery Iran allegedly attacked was in Saudi Arabia, which is currently not part of the United States.

It’s at this point I should mention that while time may not necessarily be a flat circle, reality is definitely an Onion article.

For now, Trump seems content to stick with a response of economic sanctions to the purported Iranian attack, and let the sabers rattlers rattle away without his actually pushing the big red button on his desk marked “WAR.” But, he cautioned on Wednesday: “There’s plenty of time to do some dastardly things. It’s very easy to start.”

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Rafi Schwartz

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.