Mark Zuckerberg: I Wore a Tie Because I Am Serious

Earlier today, Future President of what will presumably be the future Former United States Mark Zuckerberg took to Facebook, that thing he invented, to discuss his personal challenge for 2018. Like most New Year’s resolutions, the majority of Zuckerberg’s goals consisted of shit he probably should have already been doing anyway, like “protecting our community from abuse and hate” and “defending against interference by nation states.”

And listen, I’m really excited about the personal trials of the future ruler of what will be left of the United States—presumably a neo-shogunate wasteland policed by deadly mercenary Hatchimals—and all. But there is another, more crucial journey Zuckerberg embarked on back in 2009 that underscores all of his ambitions to save Facebook and therefore America. It’s a fashion journey.

In the second paragraph of his post, Zuckerberg discusses an important clothing decision he made all those years ago (emphasis mine):

That first year the economy was in a deep recession and Facebook was not yet profitable. We needed to get serious about making sure Facebook had a sustainable business model. It was a serious year, and I wore a tie every day as a reminder.

Serious times call for serious measures! Sure, it’s taken a buttload of ingenuity and acumen and money (and massive racial, political, and cultural oversights and censorship petitions from the U.S. and Israeli governments) to make Facebook into the powerful information hub that it is today. But sometimes, all it takes to really remind you of what’s at stake, whether it’s making a company profitable or trying subdue a barrage of white supremacist content, is a tie.

But this leads me to wonder: 2016 and 2017 were pretty serious years, but Zuckerberg was photographed all over the place, from the F8 Conference to the Samsung S7 World Unveiling to the Axel Springer Award ceremony, tie-less. So what’s that about? He gives us a big clue in the next section of his letter:

Today feels a lot like that first year.

Ah, so now we are in equally Serious Times. As Zuckerberg embarks on his 2018 personal challenge—which may or may not include synthesizing a plan for how to rule what’s left of America based on everything he learned from his 2017 “listening tour,” in which he traveled to all 50 states and met with residents in definitely-natural situations—one must ponder: What will he wear?

Some suggestions: Business casual to commemorate how casually America has treated civil rights lately; a Members Only jacket to question elitism in this country; and/or Tommy Bahamas, a favorite for all dads trying to figure out where the hell they went wrong.