AP

Mr. President, I address you now as a member and representative of the Liberal Media, the purveyors of Fake News and Biased Reporting.

It has come to our attention that you have suggested pulling ICE out of California, the most populous state in the nation and home to 10 million immigrants.

Mr. President, our plea to you is simple: Do NOT do this. We absolutely do not want you to pull ICE out of California, where the agency recently arrested more than 100 immigrants. It would totally embarrass us, and make you more popular and beloved among the millions of Real Americans who hate us and love you, if you did this. We love ICE and think it is good, even though we pretend to hate it (fake news).

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I think I‚Äôve talked to, if not 100% of the members of the liberal media, at least 97% of them by now, and we‚Äôre all in agreement: This would suck really hard. It would cause widespread pants-wetting and erectile dysfunction among our pale and sickly men, and induce immediate, heavy, and painful periods among our ugly women. We would be forced to take to Twitter and plead with you, your supporters and your allies in the media, probably by posting thoroughly embarrassing crying selfies of ourselves‚ÄĒbring back ICE, Mr. Strong President, we‚Äôd plea.

Is that what you want? I’m sure it isn’t, as our president. Please reconsider doing this thing that, once again, we would definitely super hate. Thank you.