This show is so poorly lit! Turn up the lights already!!
Screenshot: YouTube

Did you watch Game of Thrones, Sunday Television Event, last night? If not, this blog is NOT for you, unless you’re not precious about spoilers. And if you’re cool with spoilers, you’re probably not a real Throne-head, are you??

Now that we’ve weeded out the fair-weather fans (except me, the person who’s tearing through season two while also watching the new episodes) let us begin in Winterfell, where it’s winter as hell. Winter: no longer just coming, but officially came!

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Once again, spoilers, etc.

And no, unfortunately Winter is not the name of the guy Arya Stark gets to fuck in the grain cellar or whatever, as everyone retreats to different corners of the compound to await an epic battle for the ages with the Night King and his zombie people.

All told, this episode was fan service almost top to bottom: there’s Arya’s deflowering with the tragic teen from Skins all grown up; Jamie Lannister, allowed to stay following his auspicious arrival in the North after Brienne of Tarth vouches for him to Sansa, repaying the favor by knighting Brienne; Sansa and Daenerys finally having a woman to woman chat, which goes well until it doesn’t; Sansa and Theon Greyjoy having a tender moment (I’m told this is because of their shared experience being horrifically victimized by someone called Ramsay Bolton, and because I’m at the part of season two where Theon is behaving very badly, this sounds OK for now); and then a bunch of characters drinking together. Finally, near the end of the episode, Sam gives his house’s named sword—this show really tests me—to Jorah, Daenerys’ main man, for reasons only somewhat clear to me. This is very emotional, Jorah says thanks, and the takeaway is that Sam will be in the crypts with Gilly and their kid.

Also, in a treacly scene I already hated of small children in rags offering to fight the war in the breadline, this happened, making it even worse:

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If you’re drawing on the mishmash of cultural touchstones that I am, the scene where Tyrion, Tormund, Brienne, and others whose names I have not yet committed to memory are sitting around the fire drinking wine and talking about their impending deaths immediately made you think: EMPTY CHAIRS AND EMPTY TABLES, from the Broadway smash musical Les Mis. We must not overlook this. All the characters keep saying words to the effect of we’re all gonna die tomorrow at the hands of those dead fuckers. A more optimistic soul could read this as a red herring, a false hint of things to come. I say: no, it’s true, they’re all gonna die.

Their only real plan seems to be let’s use Bran, eerie child, as bait for the Night King. Will this work? Can the Night King even be killed? IDK, they all seem to say, it’s the best shot we’ve got. Another thing I’m going to read as a premonition: Multiple characters spend time weighing who’s going to wait out the battle in the crypts, where it’s most certainly safe. A lot of people—unimportant peasant types but also Sam and Tyrion—are going to be down there, literally amongst graves! Would be a real shame if a White Walker got down there, eh?!!

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Prediction: Sam, Tyrion, everyone else in the crypts die after they don’t turn out to be as safe as was promised.

Prediction: Jon Snow dies, again.

Prediction: All the various battle-knights die, including Jorah, Brienne, and sadly—it brings me no joy to say this—Tormund, without ever having smashed.

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Dany lives, I guess.

That’ll be enough main character death for one episode, but trust that there will be more, perhaps happening just off-screen. It’s gonna be a doozy!