My Job Application for the New York Times Opinion Desk

Dear Mr. Bennet,

My name is Jack Crosbie, I’m interested in a role as a opinion columnist for the New York Times. There is no paper like the Times, and no opinion section so uniquely positioned to break down the intricacies of modern American cultural and political life to its readers, so long as they know what soppressata is.

Here are my qualifications: I’m currently a contributing writer at Splinter, a website where I’ve been able to push the envelope. I think some of my more developed arguments may really fit in at the Times. These include “White Claw is Good,” “The Only Acceptable Pets are Cats and Dogs,” and “7 Years is Old Enough For the Truth (About Santa).”

I’ve been told by many of my colleagues and peers that these are “bad takes,” which to me is just a sign that I am doing something right. Also, I tried to get them fired when they said these things, unsuccessfully, but it’s the thought that counts.

The Times is a core institution of American life, one that many people look to for guidance. I pledge to always represent it well, particularly during repeat TV appearances on the morning shows that will allow me to uncritically reiterate my takes. I’m also keenly aware of the division between the Times’s opinion desk and newsroom; which is why I will take great pains to never read the latter or allow my colleagues’ work to alter my opinions or worldview in any way.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you’d like to chat. I have a few ideas I think I could start on immediately, like my idea that America should annex Hong Kong and Taiwan to directly counter the encroachment of the Chinese regime onto American business interests. My desired salary range is $300,000 a year.