My Review of the First 20 Minutes of Fantastic Beasts: Something Something Grindelwald

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Last night, I went with my girlfriend to see the new Harry Potter movie. It was, no joke, one of the best naps I’ve ever paid to take in my life.


Let me be clear: I had never fallen asleep in a movie theater before in my life. It has not happened because I typically try to limit my theater experiences to Good Films or big, animated movies meant for children, or wonderfully dumb blockbusters. Last night was the latter and, after some shots and some sushi, we were excited to watch a non-canonical film about wizards and witches and some purportedly fantastic creatures at our favorite movie theater, [REDACTED].

But man, that shit was boring. At least the beginning was. I remember that there was Jude Law playing Dumbledore who, oh yeah, wears a three-piece suit like a stiff now; there was Ezra Miller glowering far too much (again); and there was Johnny Depp being pale and dumb and evil. There were also other people and creatures, I think.

I can’t be sure, because after inhaling our entire bag of popcorn, we both passed the hell out. I woke up and there was this big dragon flying around the screen. An epic conclusion curse of sorts, I guess. I have no idea who cast it, who won, or who achieved whatever they were trying to do or if the Gang Came Together and saved the day. Five minutes later the credits started rolling.

Stray observations:

  • Credence is a bad and boring name, imo
  • Newt’s older brother is quite handsome and Newt is not
  • I’m told Nagini was in this film. Unclear.
  • I am so pissed I missed the damn Holocaust reference but Wikipedia tells me it happened somewhere around the end of my first REM cycle

Maybe it was also because we had helped a friend move earlier, maybe it was the shots, maybe it was consuming a bag of popcorn and a Coke in 20 minutes, or maybe the movie just sucked. The only thing I’m sure of was that I was definitely asleep.

Splinter Rating: nap, 5/5 stars, movie 1/5