New guidelines for journalists wishing to interview Ivanka Trump

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Dear journalists:

Thank you for your interest in interviewing Ivanka Trump— “the good one.”

Following an unpleasant incident with Cosmopolitan magazine, we are changing the rules surrounding acceptable interview questions and techniques for those wishing to speak with Ivanka.

Henceforth, if you are talking to Ivanka for a news story, please adhere to the following:

  • Your interview questions should not be “negative” or “contain substance” or “ask a question whose answer couldn’t readily be found in a press release”
  • At no point should you “quote” any “words” that Ivanka’s father “said”
  • Please do not bring up anything that anyone in the Trump family said or did before 2015
  • The only acceptable political questions to ask Ivanka are “Will Donald J. Trump make America great again?” and “Doesn’t Hillary look like she has SARS?”
  • All questions should end with the phrase “O Luminous Ivanka.” Example: “How did a mere mortal conceive of such an ingenious childcare policy, O Luminous Ivanka?”
  • Do not make eye contact with Ivanka
  • Enter the room with your eyes cast toward your feet and your palms pressed together in the reverent pose of a journalist humbled before true greatness
  • Your first words to Ivanka should be: “O Luminous Ivanka, I offer thanks to thee for offering thy time to me, an unwashed blogger.”
  • “Thank you for allowing me to bathe in your glory and wisdom” is also fine.
  • Acceptable topics of conversation include clothing, moguldom, and the persistent comparisons of Ivanka to Beyoncé
  • Smile at all times. Ivanka becomes upset when she must share a room with someone who isn’t smiling. Everyone is having fun. Everyone is having the time of their lives. Ivanka has deemed it so.
  • Here’s an idea for a question: “Ivanka: So many people are comparing you to Beyoncé. When are you going to record an urban music album, O Luminous Ivanka?”
  • Ivanka will no longer be interviewed by haters, losers, fatsos, Negative Nancys, dullards, wallflowers, people who live in Brooklyn, or anyone who knows what "LexisNexis" is
  • Please do not bring a recording device. Ivanka’s representatives will email a transcript of Ivanka’s answers after the interview (or before, if you prefer).
  • Please do not ask any follow-up questions. Think of the interview as an opportunity to for you to sit in silence and transcribe the brilliance flowing forth from this Modern Age oracle’s mouth
  • It is acceptable to weep in Ivanka’s presence, but only if it is due to her overwhelming perfection
  • Another acceptable question: “Ivanka: How does it feel to be an icon of Modern Feminism and Fashion?”
  • Feel free to bring up great articles on like “How to Be an Unpaid Intern for the First 9 Years of Your Career” and “Telecommuting Tips from Carly Fiorina”
  • Watch your mouth. Don’t be fresh. Respect real greatness
  • The top of your head should never be above Ivanka’s head. If you are tall, sit on the floor or prostrate yourself
  • Remember the chief duty of a journalist: Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the Clintons
  • If you are looking for an “angle,” consider this one: Why isn’t Ivanka Trump as idolized as Beyoncé Knowles, when they have accomplished equally as much?
  • Please submit all questions to Ivanka’s publicists before time so that they can reject all of them and write better ones for you
  • The only acceptable headline for your piece will be “Ivanka Trump: The Future First Daughter Is Bringing Grace, Charm, and Brains Back to the White House. Why Not Buy a Blazer from Her Website?”
  • Unless otherwise instructed, all answers, questions, and interactions are Off the Record

Thank you, Journalist! Luminous Ivanka looks forward to meeting with you (but not making eye contact) soon!