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Robert De Niro has an op-ed (??) out in the New York Times (????) today about Robert Mueller. Presumably his extremely horrible Saturday Night Live impersonation of Mueller gives him an added layer of expertise or something?


Did the world need—like, at all—a collection of vague thoughts from the man who “acts” as Robert Mueller about some words Mueller said recently? Well, let’s go through it:

It probably hasn’t escaped your attention (in my mind, nothing escapes your attention) that I play a version of you on “Saturday Night Live.” As “Robert Mueller,” my character is intimidating because he is so honest and upright. I do it for comic effect — that’s the intention anyway — but there’s also a lot of truth to it. To put it another way — it’s good-natured fun, but not entirely good-natured.

Oh, you do an impression on a comedy show for comic effect? Didn’t need this.

There’s a level of satire, directed at the current administration.

Oh really? It’s satirical? Didn’t need this.

As I prepared for my role on the show, I got to know you a lot better.

Did you though??? Survey says...didn’t need this.

And here, Mr. Mueller, is where you come in — where you need to come in. In your news conference, you said that your investigation’s work “speaks for itself.” It doesn’t.

Sure, I guess? But still...didn’t need this.

But the country needs to hear your voice. Your actual voice. And not just because you don’t want them to think that your actual voice sounds like Robert De Niro reading from cue cards, but because this is the report your country asked you to do, and now you must give it authority and clarity without, if I may use the term, obstruction.


Oh right, because he does the impression. Are you impression-ing to him??? Also, no, did not need this.

You are the voice of the Mueller report. Let the country hear that voice.

With great respect,

Robert De Niro


Deputy Editor, Splinter