Dear potential judicial applicants,
The Trump Organization is seeking a qualified, beautiful, totally unbiased judge to take over the proceedings in the completely bogus Trump University fraud case.
As you may know, Mr. Trump is being sued by a bunch of crybabies just because he “bankrupted them” with “illusory promises of wealth” that were “essentially fraudulent.” Mr. Trump could have settled the case for very little money, but chose to fight on in court, where he’s going to win big, just like he will for America, believe me.
Unfortunately, the crooked judge in the case, Gonzalo Curiel, is biased against Mr. Trump due to his “Mexican heritage” and because Mr. Trump is “building a wall.” This is a clear conflict of interest because, well, just look at the guy’s name.
Even though Judge Curiel was born in Indiana, we still have our suspicions; "Gonzalo Curiel" just isn't the name of a Real American, like John Barron, or John Miller.
As such, we are now hiring a replacement judge who will treat Mr. Trump fairly. The ideal candidate will be, first of all, not Mexican, and secondly, a very respected, luxurious juror who only dates 10s.
We are looking for a person—let’s face it, a man—who has not been antagonized by Mr. Trump’s campaign. As such, we will not be considering any Mexicans, Asians, Muslims, Democrats, women, Diet Coke drinkers, losers, employees of Politico, vegans, or Rosie O’Donnell.
We think it’s fair to both sides in this case that the judge should be totally sympathetic to the defendant in every way.
The most ideal candidate will be a Donald Trump voter or—even better—Donald Trump Jr.
Legally, we cannot offer you any money for your service in the Trump University case. But we can offer you exclusive tips straight from Mr. Trump’s playbook, on how you can exploit opportunities in today’s exciting and fast-paced real estate market.
If this sounds like you, please send a C.V. and headshot to Trump Tower, along with answers to the following questions:
- Do you find that the Trump University class-action lawsuit is a total, pathetic sham?
- Do you not see that we had a 98% approval rating from the Better Business Bureau?
- Does Trump drive it long? Is Trump strong?
- And what about Crooked Hillary’s emails? I tell ya.
We expect to hire a candidate very, very soon. In the meantime, we look forward to enjoying the same unbiased judiciary process that all defendants, regardless of race or economic status, have long enjoyed in this country.
The Trump Organization