American post-modernist novelist Jonathan Franzen gave an interview to the Guardian as publicity for his upcoming book Purity. In it, Franzen admits that he "considered adopting an Iraqi orphan to figure out young people." He admits that this was a ridiculous idea, and mentions that his editor persuaded him that this was, in fact a terrible, no good, very bad idea.
Here are some other ideas maybe possibly Jonathan Franzen perhaps once had that his editor must have talked him out of:
1. Eating exclusively grilled cheese
3. Dressing up as a woman for Halloween
4. Marrying another bird
5. Joining Xanga
6. Titling his new book "The Beauty of Virginity"
7. Buying gold framed glasses
8. Buying 1000 copies of his own book to build a throne
9. Buying a small yurt in Canada
10. Adopting a dog because he wants to understand the struggle of the tug of something external to his emotions
11. Creating an American Dream theme park
12. Allowing Banksy to give him a full body tattoo
13. Publishing all of the post-mortem letters he's written to David Foster Wallace
14. Publishing any letter he's written to David Foster Wallace
15. Publishing the diary where he writes his own name in different fonts
16. Talking to anyone on the street because he likes their facial hair
17. Growing facial hair
18. Using the word pussy in everyday conversation to refer to cats
19. Adopting 15 cats from Iraq
20. Adopting a dog that he once saw at a park but that already belonged to someone
21. Writing a novel entirely in Russian
22. Learning Russian to write the next great Russian novel
23. Writing a book "bigger than Infinite Jest"
24. Writing a book "longer than Infinite Jest"
25. Wearing a bandana
26. Wearing a dress around his house to become closer to the female experience and struggle
27. Using liquid eyeliner to write the chapters about Patty
28. Using lipstick to write a short story about the difficulty of dating in the 17th century
29. Converting to every religion at once
30. Writing a listicle titled 'The 10 greatest things I learned by being the greatest American novelist alive"
31. Calling himself the greatest American novelist alive
32. Pretending to be a bird during an interview with the Times Book Review
33. Allowing his bird friends to live in his house with him
34. Reading his own books aloud at coffee shops, uninvited
35. Speaking to anyone at a coffee shop
36. Ordering exclusively Pumpkin Spice Lattes regardless of the time of year
37. Adding an extra pump of vanilla to his white chocolate mocha frap
38. Complaining publicly about the demise of America's greatest band, Pavement
39. Starting a Pavement cover band consisting only of tambourines
40. Holding his own hand at book conferences so that he doesn't feel "so alone"
41. Demanding that book conferences put his face on a giant poster
42. Asking for a giant poster of his face "just cause"
43. Carrying a suitcase full of rocks on his business trip to New York so as to better feel "The weight of things"
44. Calling the protagonist of his new novel Dumb Girl
45. Writing a "definitive account of modern womanhood" from the perspective of a growing oak tree in Arizona
46. Endorsing Donald Trump for president
47. Endorsing a bird queen as queen of the entire universe and the ruler of all of our hearts and minds
48. Writing an open letter to adverbs that was frankly just unnecessarily mean
49. Naming a star after a sheep that was softer than any bed he had ever slept in or woman he had ever touched
50. Giving said editor 1000 notes professing his great love and admiration when a nice hefty raise would be just fine, thank you
Kelsey McKinney is a culture staff writer for Fusion.