Our 2020 Nightmare in a Single Tweet

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After self-avowed alpha male Joe Biden threatened to “beat the hell out of” Donald Trump for not respecting women like he does, the president hit back in a tweet on Thursday morning that neatly captures the scorched-earth hellscape which stretches between us and the conclusion of the 2020 presidential race.


“He would go down fast and hard, crying all the way,” Trump, a suit stuffed with week-old mashed potatoes, said. “Don’t threaten people Joe!” Fair enough there!

The president was responding to remarks the former vice president made on Tuesday during a stop at the University of Miami as part of his suspiciously well-stocked 2018 schedule. Biden was referencing Trump’s infamous Access Hollywood tape, per Politico (emphasis mine):

“A guy who ended up becoming our national leader said, ‘I can grab a woman anywhere and she likes it,’” Biden said last Tuesday, according to ABC News. “They asked me if I’d like to debate this gentleman, and I said ‘no.’ I said, ‘If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.’”

“I’ve been in a lot of locker rooms my whole life,” the former vice president continued. “I’m a pretty damn good athlete. Any guy that talked that way was usually the fattest, ugliest S.O.B. in the room.”


Ah, good, he managed to brag about being a “damn good athlete” before the ordeal was over, a tactic that could’ve made Trump proud.

Although Biden’s role in 2020 is still unclear—please, for the love of God, don’t run, Joe!—one thing is clear: Our political landscape is a hell dominated by white men who are, for the moment, chiefly concerned with dick measuring. And it’s only going to get worse before it gets better.