Our loins are ready for The Rock as Disney's 'Jungle Cruise' skipper

This image was removed due to legal reasons.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been cast in the upcoming Disney theme-park-ride-themed-romp The Jungle Cruise. At first we had our doubts (how can a 15-minute pun-filled ride in the Anaheim/Orlando Amazon be translated into a feature length film???), but then we remembered DJ Rock-Body's biceps and forgot our hesitation.

Advertisement
This image was removed due to legal reasons.

Besides, Pirates of the Caribbean was a massive franchise and inspired some major updates to the classic Magic Kingdom attraction, so it can be done…

Advertisement

The film will throwback to a 1950's fantasy of the "jungle" a la 1951's African Queen. With that in mind, here's our list of demands for the script:

  • Dirt, sweat, and danger. DON'T SKIMP. We like our Rock dirty and sweaty and dangerous, OKAY?
  • ALL THE PUNS. Silly puns. Dad puns. Zaddy puns. Stupid puns. If he doesn't reference "the backside of water" (or his backside at some point) we're gonna be pissed.
  • Call back to his infamous SNL sketchYou know the one…In the jungle?
This image was removed due to legal reasons.
  • Gratuitous shirtlessness. If they have to spare some plot to make this happen, we're totally okay with it.
  • Some endangered animals we guess?
  • 'Splosions.
  • Lip-syncing for some family fun. It is Disney, right?
This image was removed due to legal reasons.
Advertisement

As for the actual ride, maybe they can update it and just have a large, muscle-bound, racially-ambiguous man carry us back and forth from Space Mountain to Splash Mountain? Just brainstorming here.

Images via Spike TV, NBC/SNL, Instagram
Fusion is partly owned by ABC, a member of the Disney family.

Advertisement

Akilah Hughes is a comedian, YouTuber, and staff writer and producer for Fusion's culture section. You can almost always find her waxing poetic about memes and using too many emojis. 🍕

Share This Story

Get our newsletter