Daylight saving time ended this weekend, and everyone is committing suicide. Is this good or bad? Read our point-counterpoint, if you’re not dead yet.
Daylight Saving Is Good, by Katherine Krueger
I’ve never been wrong before in my life, so this one shocked me to my core: Daylight Saving Time? It’s actually quite bad, contrary to my vaguely held, contrarian opinion from 30 minutes ago. I was all ready and raring to show Hamilton, daylight hater, that this limited resource must be saved during the Winter months through an archaic, unevenly-observed system.
My first sign that something was amiss? The list of names with whom I was casting my lot, like Winston Churchill, the Germans, and the great-great grandfather of Chris Martin, who’s covertly used his band as a vehicle for pro-daylight saving propaganda ever since.
They did this for the farmers, or something, I reasoned; being anti-DST is basically being anti-worker. Wrong again, I’m not afraid to admit. Farmers lobbied long and hard against the scourge of DST—beasts of burden do not appreciate the extra hour of sleep, it seems—only to lose out to the powers that be in Washington, meaning all manner of Chamber of Commerce shitheads and corporate lobbyists.
This is all to say: abolish daylight saving. Eat up all your daylight in one sitting; don’t let the pigs squeeze one more red cent out of you. Besides, DST will do nothing to stave off your annual seasonal depression.
Daylight Saving Is Bad, by Hamilton Nolan
“Hi, I’m Katherine Krueger. I love DARKNESS and INTENSE SEASONAL DEPRESSION and I especially love EXITING MY WORK DAY INTO PITCH BLACKNESS and GOING TO BED AT 8:30 PM because I’m a real psycho.” That’s what I was gonna write but then Katherine changed her mind so who cares. Nothing matters now.