Screenshot: Paul Kane

In what was certainly a landmark moment for Gizmodo Media Group, the Splinter staff decided late Wednesday afternoon to rank the major American chain pizzas.

The discussion began after Paul Kane of the Washington Post posted a picture of 40 pies from Domino’s being delivered to House Democrats as they prepared to usher in Nancy Pelosi to another term of power. In the ensuing 45 minutes, in an attempt to drown out the depressing significance of the greasy slices being wheeled in to stuff the national leadership, sides were taken, death threats were made, and friendships were permanently severed. And it was all done in the name of deciding whose shitty pie reigns supreme over the rest of the dumpster:

  1. Papa John’s
  2. Sbarro’s
  3. Domino’s
  4. Lil Caesar’s
  5. Pizza Hut
  6. Cici’s
  7. California Pizza Kitchen

In the hopes of being transparent, here are our full staff rankings, with one being best and seven being the worst:

To our knowledge, such a ranking has not been attempted before by any of our sister sites; should any of them attempt to slap together a video or a post and change the timestamp to make it look like they beat us, then so be it. But these are our rankings.