Republican Men Want You to Know How Mad They Are at You Over Brett Kavanaugh

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You might think Senate Republicans would be in a celebratory mood today, given that the FBI’s investigation into the sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly let him off the hook. (Never mind the extremely questionable nature of the probe itself.)

But, since theirs is a party fueled almost entirely by old white man rage, a cadre of senior Republican leaders instead used the opportunity to rant and rave about how unfair this pathetically toothless process has been on Kavanaugh.

Speaking at a Thursday afternoon press conference, Senators Mitch McConnell, Chuck Grassley, Mike Lee, Thom Tillis, and John Cornyn took turns attacking (in no particular order) the press, the Democrats, and the “process,” all while doing their very best to sound as aggrieved as possible, despite standing on the likely cusp of victory.


Senate Judiciary Committee chair Grassley used his time to practically scream at the assembled reporters about how things had hit “almost rock bottom” and how media “bias” had almost reached the level of (he’s not really going to say it, is he?) “fake news” (he said it).


Lee, meanwhile, directly contradicted White House spokesman Raj Shah, who earlier that day insisted that the FBI’s pitifully small list of interviewees had been provided by the Senate.


Cornyn took a slightly more expansive stance with his complaints, saying that a vote against Kavanaugh would itself be “abusing the system” by giving in to what he saw as efforts by Democrats to subvert the ordinary confirmation process. Because god forbid this whole process is shown to be a complete and total sham.


Cornyn also said he believed “we did treat Dr. Ford the same way I would want my daughters or my wife or my mother treated under similar circumstances,” which evidently means he’s pretty alright with his family members being publicly mocked by the president of the United States.

McConnell has reportedly scheduled the first vote to kick off Kavanaugh’s full confirmation hearing for Friday afternoon, which means that by Monday morning, this angry group of men will likely be able to angrily pat themselves on the back for having angrily put another angry man on the Supreme Court.