Republicans Can't Get Laid and It's Hilarious

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In an article published yesterday by Fox News, Trump administration and Republican congressional staffers bemoan the difficulty of dating in DC. We’ve seen this kind of story before, but relishing the misfortunes of people who are complicit with babies literally being ripped from their mother’s breasts never really gets old.


Fox News quotes one Hill staffer:

“It’s disheartening,” she said. “Basically, we now all date one another. It’s safer that way. I have a group of friends who are all pretty conservative and we end up dating in the same circle. I didn’t think coming to the heart of the nation’s capital would be like this, but it’s a reality these days.”

Sounds rough.

Reactionary demon Laura Loomer posted the piece on her Twitter account with her own tale of woe, inspiring many others to do the same. It was all pretty hilarious.


But don’t worry, lonely Republicans! Though most DC bars are full of liberals, there still are some places that cater to your kind, according to Fox News.

While the Benjamin Bar & Lounge at the Trump International Hotel in D.C. is widely considered a “safe space” for Republicans, basic Bellinis start at $15 with other signature cocktails going as high as $100 a pop. Such prices are not financially feasible for the average Washington worker.


Wait so you’re saying that a Republican-friendly establishment is inaccessible to working class people? How bizarre.

Trump staffers, I’m rooting for you. And Laura, maybe you should text that Nazi you were recorded flirting with? He seemed like a catch.


CORRECTION: A previous version of this article posted a tweet from a parody account and attributed it to Laura Loomer. We regret the error.