Republicans Keep Virginia House After Stupidest Election Process in Modern History

Control of Virginia’s House of Delegates was decided on Thursday morning, with incumbent Republican David Yancey declared the winner of the 94th district race after his name was randomly drawn from a large bowl in what was undoubtedly one of the most ludicrous election procedures in living memory.

Yancey’s victory comes after weeks of legal wrangling, in which he and Democratic challenger Shelly Simonds were each declared either ahead, or tied in the hotly contested race, ultimately settling at 11,608 votes apiece.

“Today we witnessed an unprecedented event in the Commonwealth of Virginia,” a State Board of Elections official declared after the result was confirmed. “We pulled a name out of a bowl.”

The highly scientific process was as follows:

First, officials offered a few short words on the importance of voting.

They then went into great detail about the bowl being used, first by noting the history of other bowls used in deciding elections, and then quoting Virginia ceramicist Steven Glass, who described his vessel as representing “the sky on the outside and the earth on the inside.”

Election officials then placed the two candidates’ names in ““brand new canisters from Amazon,” before dropping those canisters into the aforementioned bowl. Also, the person who put the names in the canister is named Singleton B. McAllister.

The canisters were mixed slightly, and then drawn out one at a time, with Yancey’s name pulled first.

After Yancey’s name was drawn, officials quickly ratified his victory, and then offered several short speeches on the importance of voting, while the bowl stood empty on the table, silently mocking them.

Yancey, who was not present to witness his name being pulled from the bowl, will remain a member of Virginia’s House of Delegates, ensuring that Republicans maintain control of the legislature.

Again, his win is due solely to the fact that his name was pulled out of a bowl.