Republicans Too Old and Tired to Agree on What Horrible Policies to Ram Through Before the Holidays

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Are you getting excited for the holidays? Buying gifts, putting up the tree, and purchasing extortionate flights home? It’s less than a month until Christmas, after all. This might be exciting for America’s children, but for congressional Republicans, it’s a sign of time slipping away as they battle to get some more horrible shit done before they lose their majority in the House next session.


Politico reports this morning that stubble-chinned hunk Ted Cruz has been imploring his less attractive colleagues to “ram through a boatload of conservative priorities” in the next few weeks. Cruz reportedly urged his colleagues to use the budget reconciliation process, the process that bypasses the filibuster in the Senate, to “overhaul Obamacare”—still, apparently, because we live in Hell—or “chip away at regulations.” You know, regulations. Things of that nature.

But, according to Politico, Republicans are not feeling it. Why? Because it is work. And work sucks:

“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody’s ready to take the trip,” said Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.). “I mean, if we want to get everything done we’re going to have to work past next week. It’s just that simple. And everybody wants to quit at 4 o’clock so they can go home to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune.’ And nobody wants to work on the weekends.”


Honestly? Same, except the Wheel of Fortune part. They just put Jeopardy on Netflix, why settle for anything less?

Some senators are willing to work for more of the next five weeks than others, reportedly—Cruz is “among the senators who have said they are willing to clock longer hours this year,” a prospect that should strike fear into all our hearts. Sen. Pat Toomey has also raised the prospect of working on a trade deal between Christmas and New Year’s, for fear that a Nancy Pelosi-helmed House would move the bill to the left and “accept more protectionist provisions,” he told Politico.

Other than their refusal to work as many hours as everyone else, instead of fundraising or securing their next job as chief lobbyist at Evil Fuckers, Inc., congressional Republicans’ major problem is that they don’t seem to be able to agree on where they should focus their efforts during this limited time. There are so many horrible things they could do—more stupid tax cuts, more horrible judges, border wall funding—that they’re struggling to pick just one. Others want to pass the criminal justice reform bill, dubbed the First Step Act, which New York reported earlier this month faces just “loudmouthed law-and-order senators” like Cruz, John Cornyn, and Tom Cotton among its opponents.

But there’s no broad agreement yet, and mostly everyone is just tired, man. According to Politico, “there is worry that as soon as the government is funded, ousted House Republicans will want to go home.”


It is both hilarious and troubling that what gets done in Congress is decided by whether our elected representatives can bother their arses to stay at work, but given the sort of things Republicans generally want to get done, I’m happy to give them the time off. Take all the time you need. Use those personal days. You’ve earned it.

Splinter politics writer.

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