The Giulianis doing a normal father-son handshake at Rudy’s wedding in 2003.
Photo: Getty

Please join me in appreciating a truly great piece of reporting from Rebecca Ritzel at the Washingtonian, detailing the grotesque behavior of the Giuliani family plus Republican consultant Jennifer LeBlanc—who was presumably the recently-divorced Rudy’s date—at DC’s Shakespeare Theater last Friday.

A warning: This is not for the faint of heart. Truly vile content lies ahead. What follows is a description of the most appalling theater incident in Washington since Abraham Lincoln decided to take in a show:

It must have been a tiring Friday in the West Wing, because while the “Camelot” cast was celebrating the “Lusty Month of May,” the attorney repeatedly mopped his sweaty brow with a pocket square and squirmed in his seat, occasionally receiving a sympathetic shoulder rub from LeBlanc.

I warned you!!!

Meanwhile, Giuliani the Younger was having a great time bonding with his dad:

After King Arthur pulled out Excalibur to tap Sir Lancelot’s shoulders just before intermission, Andrew leaned over LeBlanc to excitedly ask, “Hey Dad, is that what it’s really liked to get knighted?”

(Queen Elizabeth II named Giuliani an honorary Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire in October 2001. As a non-citizen of Great Britain, he was ineligible for a tap with a sword or use of the honorific “Sir Rudy.” The former mayor recently bragged to Politico that this honor is one of many reasons why he is superior to MSNBC host Joe Scarborough.)

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It’s worth noting that Andrew Giuliani is 32 years old. He was hired by the Trump administration in 2017. Before that, he was mostly famous for suing Duke University after he was dismissed from the golf team, which happened after Giuliani reportedly “broke golf clubs, disrespected a trainer, and threw an apple at a former teammate.”

But he hasn’t let all that stop him living his best life, as the Washingtonian reported (emphasis added):

Andrew Giuliani, meanwhile, proved he’s still very into his wife of 10 months. The younger pair kissed like they were going at it in the darkened corner of some Clarendon bar. Although Queen Guinevere and King Arthur are pretty much on the outs by the time they sing their Act 2 duet “What Do the Simple Folk Do?the younger Giuliani and Rezgyte spent the entire song making out.

“Hey,” Giuliani said, reaching over LeBlanc to wave at his son. “I don’t think they’re supposed to be doing that.”

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I mean! What the hell! What is wrong with this kid, who is actually years older than me! Imagine having to tell your 32-year-old son to knock it off and stop making out with his wife at the theater. To be clear, young Andrew, ‘at the theater’ is pretty low on the list of places you can reasonably make out in public, like way below ‘the library’ and ‘Greyhound bus station’ and just above ‘in the middle of a crowded Panera Bread.’

OK, that’s it, you made it. Time to take a shower.