Despite some entirely reasonable suggestions of alternative venues, the dreaded display of drunken heteronormativity known as Santacon has descended on many of Earth's bars and pubs this Saturday.
Not familiar with Santacon? (Weird, but OK.) Well, it is an annual tradition where a bunch of evil people—usually of the "bro" variety—dress in Santa costumes, consume large quantities of alcoholic products and terrorize decent people with their antics. In 2014, New York's Santacon coincided with a large demonstration against police violence. In 2015, perhaps stung by their image as the worst people in the universe, the massed Santas tried to strike a different cord, as Gothamist reported:
Although there was already a sizable contingent of half-naked Santas mooning Williamsburg early this morning, the official SantaCon 2015 kickoff took place around 10 a.m. at McCarren Park. And the hundreds of Santas gathered there made sure to treat the solemn occasion with all the seriousness it deserves, culminating in one organizer wearing a Rudolph face mask taking a megaphone and asking those gathered to "stop and take a 10 second moment of silence for the sake of oppressed people all over the world."
According to photographer Scott Heins, that moment of silence lasted about 4, maybe 5 dignified seconds. The silence was broken by the sweet sounds of dubstep remixes of traditional carols blasting through a ramshackle P.A.
Let's hand it to these Blitzed Kringles, though: did anyone think they'd be able to hold even three seconds of silence?
As you can see from the tweets below, New Yorkers greeted Santacon like you would a biblical plague:
Luckily, there was another city to share the misery, as London was swarmed too:
We know we speak for everyone when we say that we will vote for any politician who promises to ban Santacon from the planet. That includes Donald Trump.