AP

At the New York Conference of Mayors on Monday, Andrew Cuomo presented his new puppy: a 14-week-old Siberian-Shephard mix named Captain.

Captain is clearly a good boy. No, I do not think all dogs are objectively good boys/girls/etc. Some dogs, after all, are cops. But after listening to Cuomo discuss him, the evidence is clear: Captain is a good boy rebelling against the rule of a bad man, which Cuomo objectively is. He has been called the “governor’s best friend” by the press. But would a “friend” act in the way Captain is?

As Cuomo himself told reporters, Captain has been peeing all over his mansion. “He goes outside,” Cuomo said. “He’ll stay outside for any period of time he deems necessary and he will then come inside and urinate as soon as he gets inside. He will only urinate indoors.”

Captain is also keeping Cuomo awake with his relentless howling. “He keeps me up all night, that dog,” Cuomo told reporters. “It never fails and he has a howl that you can hear through the whole house when he has to go.”

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I can only assume that after Cuomo is jolted awake by the noble howl of this mighty animal, he lets Captain frolic outside, only to have him return and stare deep into the governor’s eyes as he pees on the carpet.

A failed escape attempt

If you need any more proof that Captain is a good boy trapped with a bad man, consider this: Cuomo wanted to name the dog “Excelsior,” after New York’s state motto, but was outvoted by his daughters. Someone please save this good boy before Cuomo turns him into a cop!