Sean Spicer Retire Bitch

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Under better circumstances, Sean Spicer would not be continually fueling whole news cycles on the strength of his stupidity.


It may feel like a sweet, distant dream when White House press secretaries were only responsible for lying to the public about America’s reasons for going to war. But just yesterday, it took Spicer a full five tries to land on the right thing to say about the Holocaust (Adolf Hitler gassed millions of Jews, it was very bad).

Spicer was still being asked about his latest miserable fuck-up this morning, when “the Holocaust” was nearly the first thing out of Greta Van Susteren’s mouth during an event at the Newseum in Washington, D.C. With the face and tenor of a thoroughly defeated man, Spicer was forced to admit how bad he is at his job (emphasis added):

I made a mistake. There’s no other way to say it. I got into a topic that I shouldn’t have, and I screwed up, and I hope people understand that we all make mistakes.


From a professional standpoint, I think it’s obviously disappointing, I think the president had an incredible couple weeks, he took decisive action in Syria, he’s made tremendous progress with President Xi and has visited China, and your job as spokesperson, is to help amplify the president’s actions and accomplishments...And when you’re distracting from that message of accomplishment, and that’s your job to be the exact opposite, on a professional level that’s disappointing because I’ve let the president down. So both a personal and professional level, that will go down as not a very good day in my history.


Spicer is well acquainted with this carousel of doom by now. He says a dumb thing, the boss (probably) reams him out privately, and then he publicly apologizes for the dumb thing while maintaining that he definitely isn’t on thin ice with the bloated orange husk sitting behind the big desk.

We should have known it wouldn’t work from the start. Spicer came into Trump’s orbit under unfriendly skies. He wasn’t part of Trump’s inner circle, only being installed in his post after heavy lobbying from Chief of Staff and consummate establishmentarian Reince Preibus. He also wasn’t Trump’s first choice, but Kellyanne Conway turned the president down, opening up a vacancy. So there’s always been an air of Beltway cuck haunting him.

And since the election, things have only gotten worse. Spicer spent Trump’s second day in office–a Saturday, no less—warming up the bully pulpit by browbeating reporters about the size of the Inauguration Day crowd with an incoherent, unhinged string of lies barely audible above the echoes created by his Stop Making Sense suit.

Since then, he’s done everything in his power to alienate the White House press corps (no small achievement, since they’re an adoring stable of power-loving schoolchildren); babbled about Muslims carrying out a fake atrocity on U.S. soil; and suffered the degradation of being depicted by a female comedian. And let’s not forget that he’s being paid the big bucks to lamely defend two Muslim bans and the president’s plans to rip immigrant parents from their children, just for starters.


The man is simply too slow and too gaffe-prone to survive in an administration held together by the glue of nepotism and Trump’s ego. Spicer never played a key role in Trump’s plans to win, win, and keep winning; he’s expendable, he’s proved poorly equipped for the job at hand, and he’s a late arrival on the Trump Train.

And for the rest of us, it’s just gotten too sad to watch this poor man struggle to keep his head above water as the tide waters keep rising.


Sean, my man, retire (bitch).

Managing Editor, Splinter

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