Self-Professed 'Bad Husband' Eminem Is on Tinder, Ladies

If you’re perusing Tinder and within 100 miles of Eminem, you might come across his profile. You might be tempted to swipe right. As a person who fantasized about hate-fucking him in high school, I sympathize. It’d be a good story, he has at least one diamond-encrusted cock ring, and that one sex scene in 8 Mile is kind of hot. But before you do, please be advised that he might:

• Physically abuse you
• Verbally abuse you
• Pistol-whip a dude he thinks you kissed
• Slut-shame your favorite pop stars
• Slut-shame the women who try to sleep with him on tour
• Laugh after said slut-shaming (it’s funny!)
• Embarrass you by waving his gun around at inopportune times
• Subject you to some very bad fashion choices
• Write songs about slitting your throat, putting Anthrax on a Tampax, and slapping you till you can’t stand
• Drive you to attempt suicide

On a positive note, he hates his Trump supporter fans; he’s sorry, Kim; and he has pledged to “aim his fist at the drywall” next time. Happy swiping!