Let’s face it, about a million sexy gift guides pop up between November and Valentine’s Day, but usually they’re packed with expensive (hello, $200 is actually a lot of money), unrealistic (really, a Kate Spade decanter?), overly bougie presents no one would actually buy.
We’re here to help. With our risque gift list – perfect for singles and couples – we considered real-life things: you know, like, cost, usability, and overall coolness. And honestly, we’d love to see any of these sensual and decadent gifts under our own trees this year (hint, hint)!
Lelo Flickering Touch Massage Candle
Perhaps the coolest thing to happen lately in the candle world – which, let’s be honest, is not the most exciting world – is Lelo’s collection of “Flickering Touch” candles. These sleek little flame holders not only look sexy but act sexy, creating luscious, scented massage oil as the wax melts. How cool is that? Or should we say hot. $29.90 at Lelo
Crave Vesper Vibrator
Want to shock your conservative friends? This gorgeous golden necklace may resemble the pencil pendant worn by Joan Holloway on Mad Men, but it’s oh-so-much more: It doubles as a handy vibrator. Yes, a vibrator you can rock at a (very progressive) dinner party. As the description says, wear it to “make a statement or issue an invitation.” $69 at Babeland
Kama Sutra’s Honey Dust Body Powder
Who doesn’t love honey? No one, that’s who. Now, thanks to luxury romance brand Kama Sutra, you can sprinkle delicious honey-flavored dust all over your or your lover’s body, making every square inch a sweet playground – without the sticky cleanup. It even comes with a kinky feather applicator. $28 on Amazon
Naughty Role-Play Dice
These aren’t your run-of-the-mill Yahtzee cubes, but the naughty game will still make you scream. Here’s how they work: Roll the dice. One cube tells you what to do (“lick”, “kiss,” etc.), while the other tells you where to do it (“neck,” “ears,” etc.). Clearly some combinations can get pretty steamy. The best part? There are no losers. $16 at Babeland
Figleaves Satin Nightshirt
Every now and then we all enjoy taking a break from binge-watching 30 Rock on Netflix and slipping into a sexier persona, and there’s no faster way to get frisky than wrapping one’s naked body in smooth satin. See: Figleaves Satin Nightshirt. Leaving just the right amount to the imagination, it’s a look no man (or woman) can resist $72 at Figleaves
Is it just us, or does lube packaging look like it belongs in a medicine cabinet? Say hello to Überlube. The sleek, glass bottle offers a nightstand alternative that’s both classy and enticing. Plus, it doubles as massage oil. $14 to $18 at Babeland
Love Bumper H2OH Blanket
Let’s be real. The idea of doing it anytime, anywhere – like, say, the kitchen – is nice in theory, but in reality, a bare ass on hard tile isn’t exactly enjoyable. Now you can make random romps stress-free with the Love Bumper H2OH Blanket, meant to be used whenever you want to make an outside-the-bedroom area a little more inviting. It’s not just an overpriced blanket – it’s made with extra cooling material and special binding around the edges to keep it in place. It’s also waterproof! $110 at Love Bumper
Sex Questions Card Deck
This game is definitely not suitable for children. Discover your S.O.’s most intimate thoughts, dirtiest deeds, and what really turns him or her on with sex questions created to both challenge and seduce. Added benefit: Most of the research out there says communication is key to a happy relationship. What’s sexier than that? $16 at Babeland
Nice Whiskey or Bourbon
Shaking up a classic Old-Fashioned or Manhattan with your bae is sure to heat up even the coldest of winter nights. Cheers to a win-win! We recommend thinking outside the box with this purchase, going for rarer, craftier labels. Try John J. Bowman Single Barrel Bourbon from Virginia ($55) or Four Roses Single Barrel Bourbon ($48).
Burning Desire Soy Massage Oil Candle
Candles that double as massage oil can be super sexy (see above), and Pure Romance’s lights are no exception, but these come with an added bonus: The power of the written word. Surprise your honey with a naughty-or-nice message scribbled on the outside. From “Dinner is served” to “Meet me between the sheets,” they promise a guaranteed good time. $24 at PureRomance
Perfume or Cologne
Perfume or cologne may seem like a boring gift, but we prefer the term “classic.” After all, a sexy scent is one of life’s great aphrodisiacs. For an instant turn-on we suggest Jean Paul Gaultier "Classique" ($70) for her or Bleu de Chanel ($68) for him. And for a more affordable yet equally enticing scent, try Nautica Voyage for him ($15 to $20), or DKNY Be Delicious ($26) for her.
Lounging in silk sheets is definitely sexy, but often unaffordable, so silk pillowcases are the next best thing! Not only does the silk feel amazing against your face and class up your bedroom, it comes with added beauty benefits: Kiss bedhead and pillow creases goodbye. $32 on Amazon.
Artisan Chocolate Subscription
Why buy one box of chocolates when you can arrange for this well-known aphrodisiac to arrive at your sweetie’s door monthly? Introducing the Treatsie chocolate subscription, which will ship a box of artisan chocolates from around the country for as little as $12 per month. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Dare Me Pleasure Set
If your lover is counting down the days until Fifty Shades of Grey premieres, this just might be the starter kit for him or her (and you). Not too intimidating, but certainly adventurous, Lelo’s Dare Me Pleasure Set is perfect for anyone looking to spice things up without an impromptu (read: embarrassing) visit to the emergency room. It comes with Luna Beads, silk cuffs, and a suede whip. $119 at Lelo
Taryn Hillin is Fusion's love and sex writer, with a large focus on the science of relationships. She also loves dogs, Bourbon barrel-aged beers and popcorn — not necessarily in that order.