Photo: Kathy Willens (AP)

Most people don’t happen to have a few million dollars just laying around. If you are one of the lucky few to have that kind of disposable cash on hand, however, have I got an investment opportunity for you: Buy Donald Trump’s childhood home.

Yes, for a mere $2.9 million you could be the lucky owner of the five bedroom, 2,500 square foot Tudor-style home at 85-15 Wareham Place in Jamaica Estates, Queens, where—as one sign inside the property proudly (???) proclaims—“In this bedroom, President Donald J. Trump was likely conceived, by his parents, Fred and Mary Trump.”

What an opportunity!

As the Wall Street Journal explained on Tuesday, the house:

Last sold for $2.14 million in 2017 to Trump Birth House LLC, a limited liability company represented by Michael X. Tang, a Flushing, N.Y., lawyer whose website said he specializes in overseas investments by Chinese buyers.

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Lately the property had been used as a $600+ a-night AirBnB rental, but was recently put on the market for anywhere from twice to four times as much money as comparable nearby properties “because of the presidential history,” as real estate agent Edward Hickey, who is managing the sale, told the Journal.

So what could you do with Donald Trump’s childhood home? A few suggestions:

  • Turn it into a boarding house for newly arrived immigrants.
  • Transform it into an unlicensed casino that will almost certainly be more profitable than anything the president himself ran.
  • Sage the hell out of it, and pray the racist ghost of Fred Trump doesn’t haunt you and your family for all eternity.
  • Burn it to ashes and salt the Earth.

According to the Journal, serious buyers will go through a blind auction process, and should email Hickey (TrumpBirthHouse@gmail.com) with proof that they’ve already got the money—no financing allowed.

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“One of the reasons we’re doing it the way we are is to prevent a circus atmosphere,” Hickey told the paper. Because god forbid something associated with Donald Trump not be taken seriously.