Someone Should Really Check on Rudy Giuliani (Not Me Though)

Photo: Charles Krupa (AP)

If any of you happen to run into former New York City mayor, raving lunatic, and presidential attorney Rudy Giuliani this morning, can you please do me a favor and ask if he’s doing alright? Does he need us to call someone for him? Can we get him some soothing tea, or a recording of whale sounds? Because, after last night, it’s pretty evident that Rudy isn’t in such a great headspace these days.

Rudy kicked off his Tuesday evening by insisting that an obvious typo from a tweet of his a few days earlier was actually the result of a Twitter-backed conspiracy to make him look like a jackass. Also, he brought up Time magazine for some inexplicable reason.

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Of course, for those of us who aren’t a septuagenarian with teeth like the tombstones in a haunted graveyard, what actually happened is pretty clear: Rudy forgot to put a space between the first two sentences in his initial tweet, turning his garbled word salad into an inadvertent URL—one which was immediately snatched up by Jason Velazquez, a digital marketing director, who purchased the domain for a mere $6. Rudy’s accidentally invoked site, G-20.in, now states that “Donald Trump is a traitor to our country.”

But Rudy was just getting started.

Shortly after Giuliani launched into (but didn’t delete...yet?) his nonsensical rant about his obvious Twitter fuck-up, special counsel Robert Mueller dropped a long-awaited sentencing recommendation for former National Security Advisor turned federal stool-pigeon Michael Flynn. And while the doc is heavily, heavily redacted, it paints a pretty clear picture of Flynn as someone who offered the Special Counsel’s Office a whole lot of juicy dirt on...well, we’re not sure exactly. But whatever it is, Mueller thinks it’s enough to keep Flynn out of jail entirely. So, presumably it’s pretty significant.

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Rudy, on the other hand, took the opportunity to attempt to speak Yiddish, for some reason.

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“Bubkes,” if you’re wondering, means “beans.” It’s a mystery why Rudy—who is not Jewish and does not actually speak Yiddish—felt the need to ruminate about thos beans.

In any case, Rudy rounded out his increasingly manic evening with the following text message to Politico’s Darren Samuelsohn, presumably in response to the Flynn filing:

Wow big crime for a SPECIAL WHATEVER maybe a group of Angry Bitter Hillary Supporters who are justifying themselves by the goal justifies the means....Over the top In ethical behavior.

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Feel free to try and untangle this ridiculous spider’s web of words, if you must. The best I could come up with is: Maybe a giant blood vessel burst in the President’s lawyer’s brain while he was spending the night hanging out in the Trump hotel lobby?

In any case, as of this moment Giuliani has yet to tweet or text anything completely completely insane since last night. I call that progress. Let’s see how long it lasts.

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About the author

Rafi Schwartz

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.