Here is a rule that I am extremely passionate about: you cannot celebrate Christmas before Thanksgiving. Don’t do it!
No decorations, no talk of presents, no Santa Hats and absolutely no fucking Christmas music. I am against the death penalty in all cases except for those in which someone is found guilty of broadcasting “Jingle Bell Rock” before the fourth Thursday in November. Needless to say this only goes for Americans, I am not a monster, but in this country we must have rules.
Here is someone who is (of course!) breaking that all-important rule: Donald Trump!
No!!! It’s November 19th! Take that tree away immediately. Get it out of the house! Do not under any circumstances get the tree before Thanksgiving!
What’s worse, the Trump family did it last year too! They got the tree on Monday the 20th. Thanksgiving was the 23rd last year. No!
For due diligence, I checked out the Obama White House archives (and CSPAN et al) to see how the Obamas did on this. THEY DID NOT BREAK THE RULE ONCE. In fact, in every year they followed the rule to the absolute letter and brought in the official White House Christmas tree on the day after Thanksgiving, the first day you are legally (or should be legally) allowed to acknowledge Christmas!
2016: Thanksgiving Nov. 24. Tree arrives Nov. 25. GOOD
2015: Thanksgiving Nov. 26. Tree arrives Nov. 27. GOOD
2014: Thanksgiving Nov. 27. Tree arrives Nov. 28. GOOD
2013: Thanksgiving Nov. 28. Tree arrives Nov. 29. GOOD
2012: Thanksgiving Nov. 22. Tree arrives Nov. 23. GOOD
2011: Thanksgiving Nov. 24. Tree arrives Nov. 25. GOOD
2010: Thanksgiving Nov. 25. Tree arrives Nov. 26. GOOD
2009: Thanksgiving Nov. 26. Tree arrives Nov. 27. GOOD
We must have order in America. There must be some decency. Even pinnacles of modern capitalism know this: you ever walked into a CVS and seen Christmas shit in the “seasonal” aisle before all the paper turkeys and shit have come down? I think fucking not!!!! (Or at least I haven’t). Christmas is also the only holiday that does this shit, in my experience. Never seen a menorah floating around in October! There is a proper time and place! There must be RULES.
Correction, 3:55 P.M.: A previous version of this post stated that Thanksgiving happens on the third Thursday of November. It does not, it occurs on the fourth Thursday of November, which I KNEW but I MESSED IT UP and I am LIVID at myself.