Photo: Flickr

There are a lot of fights on TV. Fine. It’s a dramatic thing that happens. But can we “cool it” with the throwing of people into walls, during fights? I just don’t see it as being reflective of reality and truth. Got it?

Go watch a bunch of street fights and here’s what you’ll see: A couple people pushing one another, then flailing wildly, and then someone lands a punch and one or both people fall down. Then there might be some wrestling. Pretty soon everyone is very tired and that’s about it. Cops show up and everyone runs away. This is the harsh and shocking reality of real life fights. They last maybe 20 seconds.

Now go watch a bunch of fights on TV. I’ll tell you one thing you always see: One person—or perhaps a monster—will pick up the other person, off their feet, and throw them into a wall, arcing through the air, until they slam into said wall either back or face first and slump to the ground. Then the person will look all dazed, cause they got thrown into a wall, and the other person will come over and pick them up and throw them into another wall. The cycle of violence continues. Then after several rounds of wall-throwing, when all the plaster in the whole room is cracked, the bad guy will come over for one last big deadly throw... but finally the dazed victim will shake it off and land a blow, perhaps to the nuts, and the whole thing will turn around.

All of this wall-throwing-into simply doesn’t hold water.

Why are people always getting thrown into walls in TV fights? I have my theories. Now I’ll tell you what they are. First, it makes the fights longer, because grabbing someone and throwing them into a wall and watching them slide down and slump to the ground as their eyes flutter in an exaggerated version of a concussive response takes a long time, and the “film industry” loves that, because every extra inch of film they sell to the camera people is money in their pockets; second, throwing people into walls provides a natural pause in the action, during which your hero can clear his head and turn this whole perilous situation around, and viewers love that because most of you are stupid idiots who like to watch the same plot over and over with very minor tweaks; and third, audiences prefer to subcutaneous carnage of full-body wall impacts to the direct mangled fractures and extreme bleeding that results from punches. But actually it’s very hard to throw a full grown adult into a wall real hard if they are not sort of jumping in that direction like a stuntman does. I’d love to see a big shot such as “Steve Spielberg” try it.

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Where’s your “movie magic” now, Steve?

It’s bad for kids to be growing up always seeing fights on TV that involve throwing people into walls. They grow up thinking they can do the same thing, and then probably they can’t even pick up the first guy they get in a fight with, much less throw him into a wall—and if, for some reason, they’re freakishly strong, and they do throw someone into a wall, that person could sustain a serious concussion that could lead to a lawsuit. For the sake of children, I appeal to “Hollywood” and its liberal fight choreographers to do the right thing: show the world as it is. Show violence in its truest form. The next time Matt Damon playing “Mr. Spy” gets into a fight with some big Russian guy, have the Russian guy punch him, breaking his jaw, and his mouth kind of just hangs open like a dog, and then have another punch land in the same place, totally shattering the mandible, and then as a guttural yowl of pain escapes him, the guy punches him in the eye, cracking his orbital bone, and he falls to one knee, and the guy kicks him and knocks all his teeth out, and they scatter across the floor, and there’s Matt Damon, totally fucked up, reaching out to pick up his own teeth for some reason, and the guy hits him with a hook that pops his eardrum, and all types of clear fluid and shit runs down out of his ear and he can’t hear anything and guy knees him and breaks his nose and blood spurts out all over his shirt and he’s just rolling around now trying to stand up but the guy kicks him and breaks his ribs, and he’s just wheezing cause now he has a punctured lung, and then the guy runs away and 25 minutes later an ambulance shows up and he’s all moaning and shit and they give him some drugs and later he becomes addicted to opiates.

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None of this wall throwing crapola. Get real.