Photo: Getty

The 2018 Time 100 list is out today, a day I’m sure we all had marked on our calendars as the most significant of the year: the day we all learn who is important. Without this list, how could I possibly have known that the president of the United States is an influential man?

Amid entries praising mega-capitalists like Jeff Bezos (written by Jamie Dimon), morons like Sean Hannity, and Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman—without a passing reference to Saudi Arabia’s role in starving and bombing Yemen—our big boy president got an entry of his own. And Time brought in a very special friend to write the blurb: Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

It’s an incredibly phoned-in entry. Cruz relies on the laziest of conservative narratives—safe spaces, coastal elites—to praise Trump as a status quo-rockin’ badass:

The same cultural safe spaces that blinkered coastal elites to candidate Trump’s popularity have rendered them blind to President Trump’s achievements on behalf of ordinary Americans. While pundits obsessed over tweets, he worked with Congress to cut taxes for struggling families. While wealthy celebrities announced that they would flee the country, he fought to bring back jobs and industries to our shores. While talking heads predicted Armageddon, President Trump’s strong stand against North Korea put Kim Jong Un back on his heels.

Obviously, that’s all lies. He’s not popular; the tax cut won’t help struggling families; he hasn’t fought to bring jobs or dying industries back; any apparent progress on North Korea could blow up in our faces (literally!) at any time. Lyin’ Ted is back at it again!

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Oh right, don’t you remember? It was Trump who coined that catchy lil’ nickname, and used it to publicly humiliate Ted’s wife:

And call her ugly:

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Almost everything about politics under Trump sucks, but one of the few rays of golden light from heaven: Ted Cruz, who has always considered himself a man of towering intellect destined for greatness, humiliating himself over and over again for the moronic reality show star who beat him to the presidency.