Texas Governor Galaxy Brains a Solution to Mass Shootings

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Texas Governor Greg Abbott on Tuesday convened a roundtable on gun violence after last week’s mass shooting at Santa Fe High School left 10 dead, and offered up a truly galaxy-brained solution to a sweeping problem.


Surrounded by representatives from law enforcement, state legislators, and community leaders, the Republican governor—who received an “A” rating from the National Rifle Association—floated this earth-shattering diagnosis.

“By now, we know what the problem is,” Abbott explained. “The problem is that innocent people are being shot, and that must be stopped.”

Whoa. Damn. Read that again, and let it really sink in. What if we—now bear with me here folks—could just stop (!!) shooting innocent people??? Wowie! Has anyone thought of this?? Problem extremely solved.

I imagine it must be hard for Abbott to have a problem-solving mind that big when his head is stuck so far up his own ass.

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.