It's official: We now live in a world where Katy Perry has headlined the Super Bowl halftime show. How are you holding up? To be honest, it went a lot better than we expected—a fact that has very little to do with Katy Perry's performance, and everything to do with her props, costumes and costars.
Perry opened the show with "Roar." I can't actually tell you how she sounded, or whether any noise came out of her mouth at all, because I was distracted by the fact that she was a) wearing a dress that's made out of fire, like she was representing District 12 in the tribute parade and b) riding what was, unmistakably, a Terror Dog from Ghostbusters. Into it.
Ageless sex vampire Lenny Kravitz showed up for about 45 seconds of "I Kissed a Girl," which we can only imagine was cut short due to some outdated FCC decency standards on vocal pornography. I'm writing a special clause in my will to ensure this clip lives on in my DVR long after my own demise.
For "Teenage Dream," Katy was flanked by anthropomorphic palm trees, anthropomorphic beach balls, anthropomorphic surfboards, and anthropomorphic sharks–oh god, the anthropomorphic sharks. It is a law of nature that humans cannot compete with anthropomorphic sharks, whether it be in terms of entertainment value or bite force.
The unequivocal highlight of the halftime show was Missy Elliott, who stormed the stage for a spot-on medley of "Get Ur Freak On," "Work It" and "Lose Control." This was the halftime show we could have had, but it's not the halftime show that we deserve. Katy intermittently attempted to rap along, and Missy was gracious enough to sort of just pretend that this wasn't happening.
Katy bought it all home with a slightly warbly version of "Firework," flying around the stadium astride a star that—as many tweeters pointed out—looked oddly familiar. Way to self-promote, NBC.
You did fine, Katy, but next year, could we stick with Missy Elliot? Or bring back Beyoncé? Or maybe—just maybe—go for the Missy, Beyoncé and anthropomorphic shark trifecta?
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.