The Gloves Are Off in the Race for Grumpiest Old Man

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In an alternate universe, Donald Trump and Joe Biden are retired neighbors who are assholes to each other in a forgettable rom-com from 1993. In the universe we live in, they are a guy who is president and a guy who wants to be president, but they’re still assholes to each other.


Both men are in Iowa today, and so we got a sneak preview of the worst possible timeline for the 2020 election. Biden, who announced a round of endorsements from Iowa Democratic officials today, essentially called Trump an infant over and over again during an event in Ottumwa.

“Did he do anything to signal that he’s prepared to walk away from the thugs he’s embraced on the world stagefrom Putin to Kim Jong Un? No. He did none of that,” Biden said, per his prepared remarks. “Instead, he gets up in the middle of the night to attack Bette Midler. He attacks the mayor of London. He attacks the American Speaker of the House. It was a stunning display of childishness for the whole world to see.”

Biden, who called Trump an “existential threat to America,” also implied that Trump is a coward because he stopped talking about Obamacare.

“Remember when Trump’s Justice Department decided to argue that the Affordable Care Act in its entirety is unconstitutional just a few months ago?” Biden said. “Now he’s got his tail between his legs and barely mentions it—doesn’t even tweet about it—because he knows the American people will give him a thrashing in 2020 just like they gave the Republicans in 2018 for trying to get rid of it.”

Trump—who is a Poster in both the literal and figurative sense of the word—couldn’t even wait to get off the White House grounds to snap back at Biden.

“When a man has to mention my name 76 times in his speech, that means he’s in trouble,” Trump said at the White House before leaving for Iowa. “I have to tell you, he’s a different guy. He looks different then he used to, he acts different than he used to, he is even slower than he used to be. So I don’t know. But when he mentions my name that many times, I guess I should be complimented.” Checkmate, Biden.


In addition to implying Biden is too old to run the country—the former vice president is 76 to Trump’s 72— the president said Biden is also too dumb for the job.


“I think he’s the weakest mentally,” Trump said. “I like running against people who are weak mentally. I think he is the weakest up here. The other ones have much more energy.”

Trump will reportedly be speaking at a GOP dinner in Iowa on Tuesday night, so expect more of this to come today, tomorrow, next week, and over the next two years. This is just how it is now.

News editor, Splinter