I’m hearing that the new iPhone won’t have a headphone jack. You’ve probably heard that already, but it’s true: No more headphone jack on the iPhone 7.

The new iPhone also won’t have a charging port, I’ve heard. It won’t have speakers, either. I’m hearing whispers that Apple is getting rid of both the rear and front camera, as well, and that the Home button will be replaced with a giant white knob, like on an Etch-a-Sketch. I’ve heard, and this is unconfirmed, that the new iPhone will have a Volume Up button, but no Volume Down button.

The new iPhone is getting rid of some color options, too. It will not be available in black, or, white, or rose gold. Instead, it will only be available in what I’m hearing is called “unwashed pleather.”

The new iPhone will not ship with headphones, or an instruction manual, or a charging cord. It will not even ship in a box. For the first time, the new iPhone will come wrapped in a used ShopRite bag along with a $5 gift card to Regal Cinemas.


The gift card will not be valid for matinee screenings. It expires on December 31, 2014.

The new iPhone will not be covered by AppleCare. If you break your iPhone, you will owe Apple $1,500. They will find you.


The new iPhone will not come pre-loaded with the Stocks app, or the Newsstand app, or the Health app. It won’t come pre-loaded with any apps, in fact, because the new iPhone will not be able to run apps. Apple is shifting away from apps with the new iPhone, and toward what I'm hearing is called "widgesters."

Siri will still be available, but you can only ask her about Cincinnati sports teams. Anything else and she will emit a low, otherworldly groan that you will not be able to silence for several minutes.


In a departure, the new iPhone will not feature a touchscreen. It won’t feature a display at all, of any kind. A primitive telegraphy system will allow you to tap out Morse Code based text messages to a maximum of five (5) contacts who live in your area code. You will be able to make phone calls by manipulating the motherboard with a soldering iron. The new iPhone will accept voicemail, but you will not be able to “retrieve” these messages in any sense of the word.

The new iPhone will not be able to connect to WiFi, or Bluetooth, or the 4G network. You will be able to jack in to a 56K modem, but only when your older sister isn’t using the phone. GET OFF THE PHONE, LAUREN.


The new iPhone will be a fairly radical departure from other iPhones, I hear. The most radical of these departures is that the new iPhone will be designed, manufactured, and sold by Hewlett-Packard.

You might wonder whether a smartphone created, assembled, produced, and marketed by HP really even qualifies as an iPhone. On the contrary, I hear Apple executives believe this will make it the most iPhone-ish of iPhones yet.


At this point, you may be thinking: “Is the new iPhone, in fact, just a telegraph machine made by HP and sold in a ShopRite bag?”

Don’t sell Apple short here. I know that you might not like the idea of an iPhone without a headphone jack, or a volume down button, or any ability to connect to the internet whatsoever. You might not be impressed with a gift card that seems to have expired over a year ago. The feel of crusted pleather on your fingers may repulse you at first.


But, as Apple has proven in the past, you will adapt to these changes. And when the iPhone 7S comes out, you will line up in front of the Hewlett-Packard Store to purchase another one, even though it’s just a melted hunk of plastic with the faint scent of human teeth.