The Only Amazon Prime Day Guide You Need

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Illustration: Jim Cooke (GMG)

Today is Amazon #PrimeDay, home to all of Amazon’s greatest deals. You only have one chance to do this right!

First, buy this 50 pack of Pacon Super Value Poster Board and a pack of black Sharpie Magnum Permanent Markers. Write “UNION” on each poster. Unionize your coworkers in the Amazon warehouse.


Fill your WolfWarriorX Military Tactical Assault Backpack with Military Surplus MREs and Purified Drinking Water. Now you’re ready to march. These KARKEIN Military Tactical Boots Army Combat Jungle Boots are suitable for all genders. Lace em up, gather all your union friends, and march your ass down to Washington, DC. Your destination is Jeff Bezos’ house, at 2320 and 2330 S Street NW. You can’t miss it—it’s the biggest fucking house in town.

Who would Amazon’s boss be more thrilled to see on #PrimeDay than a cadre of his own employees? Probably nobody. When you’re sure he’s home, use this Neiko 02845A Electric Demolition Jack Hammer to systematically tear the pavement around his house into large, jagged chunks. Pile the concrete chunks into a barrier encircling his entire block, interspersed with crude checkpoints made by wrapping Hitachi 115445 Folding Sawhorses with ample amounts of Fence America Razor Wire. Stud barrier with LEPOWER Solar Flood Lights and Kaya Bamboo Torches. Then put up your Coleman Instant Cabin tent and get some shut eye! While playing The Internationale on repeat through several dozen evenly spaced Pyle 1600W Heavy Duty Speakers.


Stand up, all victims of oppression
For the tyrants fear your might

You will sing to Jeff Bezos.

Don’t cling so hard to your possessions
For you have nothing if you have no rights

In the morning brush your teeth with Pepsodent and fend off police incursions with your energi8_sus Anti-Riot Shield and Tactical Military Kelver Swat Helmet. Communicate your demands to your trapped mega-billionaire CEO through a Pyle Megaphone Speaker PA Bullhorn (and don’t be shy about using the built-in siren). Though you may have to study up on how to ensure that your calls for fair pay and humane treatment are not twisted by Bezos’ anti-worker forces, don’t worry too much—you’ll probably get a lot of sympathetic coverage in the Washington Post.

When the dehydrated monopolist eventually gives in to your demands, use your Jaminer lock-picking set to enter his grotesque mansion and reappropriate its massive halls for public use. While you’re at it, redecorate. It will likely take quite a few cans of Krylon K05160202 K05160207 Colormaster to paint this white house black.


But you are not monsters. You would not leave a man out in the cold. Fortunately for Jeff Bezos, the video “Tiny-House Shed Living: Tips and ideas” is available for free on Amazon Prime.