Andy Dubbin/FUSION

Tumblr is an ethnography in ~teen culture~ and kids these days are obsessed with horoscopes. Is it because young people are narcissistic and can only function when things are about them? Or is it something MUCH deeper? Perhaps we have clairvoyants among us, ready to tell us our future — or at least which celebrity's mole we relate to most — based on our astrological signs.

Here's a roundup of Tumblr's best (read: most absurd) horoscopes:

According to this reading, most cats are terrible. Most humans are terrible.

*cough* valid *cough*

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1) This person missed out on an opportunity to name their blog "hoediacs" and 2) This is the most arbitrary list of things ever. Coffee, aliens, "aesthetics?" Either our birthday is every day or this is a phoned-in report.

Hmm. 100% of these breads appeal to our interests.

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Gemini wins this, hands down. We, too, want to "marry all the mermans." Murder optional.

😘🐠

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We see what you did there…

This is a rare conundrum where we can't tell if this took a lot of work or no work at all. On the one hand, maybe our signs do relate to these masterpieces, on the other, they could have just found a bunch of art they liked and written the signs next to them. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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This person is obviously a Libra, Leo, or Scorpio.

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Why? We need to know why Virgo is a Halloween Themed Mix CD (not even a Spotify playlist??) and Libra, the sign with SCALES, is a Ouija Board. Someone needs to explain this. And don't get us started on Gemini being three sisters! Wouldn't Halloween versions of the signs be just a "dead ___?" Tap us in!

We all win this round.

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::wut::

It's a limited time offer, right? Phew. Just making sure…

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Half the zodiac has bad memories of elementary school birthday parties.

A blind handful of any sign's candy destiny is probably really gross tbh. Capricorn probably wants to vom all the time.

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Wasn't Miley Cyrus like, 10 on Hannah Montana? Was it really considered a teen show? Wait, what were we talking about?

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These… these are all just things frustrated people say. None of this is specific to the stars or birthdates or birthstones or anything but just being annoyed and maybe that's the point? Are we getting it, Tumblr?

Their hashtags answered our question. No one remembers where EVERY character is from. Well, maybe Tolkien…

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Also true…

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Really? Taurus as a Gryffindor?! REALLY?!

People with tree nut allergies are from a different galaxy and thus unaffected by our zodiac.

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Meta, but not in the good way…

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How's Libra gonna be Aphrodite over Scorpio or Virgo? How is Libra not Themis, the GREEK GODDESS OF JUSTICE??!?!?!? No. This is some arbitrary nonsense. It's an outrage! Someone needs to hand over their keyboard and step away from the telescope and Bedside Astrologer they read one time before they put this together. For shame. SHAME!

So that's how Virgos Beyoncé and Michael Jackson made all their money…

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Actually…maybe?

Well this is getting dark. Chill, Tumblr.

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~DEEP STUFF~

This astrologer is clearly a Leo who got dumped by a Virgo.

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We are ALL LOOKING SO FLY.

This person hates their mom.

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The last horoscope you ever need to read. 😂

Stay weird, Tumblr.

Akilah Hughes is a comedian, YouTuber, and staff writer and producer for Fusion's culture section. You can almost always find her waxing poetic about memes and using too many emojis. 🍕