There's Apple Watch erotica, and it's as awkward as it sounds

The Apple Watch hasn’t even shipped to customers yet, but it’s already spawned at least one sexual fantasy.

A new e-book, Invaded by the iWatch: An Erotic Short Story, hit the Kindle store recently. As its title suggests, the book is a raunchy adventure centered around Apple’s latest offering. (Our friends at “Come Here and Say That” have already re-enacted some of the best bits.)

The author of Invaded by the iWatch, a Canadian consultant who writes under the pen name “Leonard Delaney,” told Fusion that writing erotica about the Apple Watch was the logical next step after the success of his first two tech-themed erotica e-books, Taken by the Tetris Blocks and Conquered by Clippy. (Yes, those are the real titles). “You kind of get more and more ridiculous with it,” he said.

The plot of Invaded by the iWatch revolves around a tech blogger named Christie Aackerlund, who receives a test unit of a device called the iWatch in the mail. The device is inhabited by the ghost of “Steve Job,” a man who uploaded his brain and soul to a computer before he died. The ghost of Steve Job re-animates, feels attracted to Christie, and…well, you can probably guess the rest.

Invaded by the iWatch won’t make any Best Books of 2015 lists. It’s awkwardly written, supremely unsexy, and reads as if group-conceived by horny teenage boys with a limited understanding of female anatomy. But, hey, it’s only 99 cents, and Apple fans might enjoy it for a laugh. (Delaney told me that “just to be safe,” he changed Apple Watch to “iWatch” and Steve Jobs to “Steve Job.” Somehow, I doubt that will put Apple’s lawyers at ease.)

Here are some of the best passages from the book:

Christine unboxes her iWatch, and feels a tingle of excitement

CALL ME iWATCH, read words rendered in graphically impressive 3D lettering. iWatch. That didn’t sound like quite the right name for it, but she rolled with it. “Okay, iWatch. Listen, I’m bored. If you’re such a smart watch, how about you guide me somewhere fun?”

The watch vibrated on her wrist, sending a tingling sensation up her arm and down her spine. She giggled. It vibrated again, and this time she noticed that her arm was twitching to the left along with the watch.

The iWatch reveals its true nature, and a romance is born

She emitted an expression of sadness, then held her wrist up. Those fierce eyes appeared on the screen. “Oh billionaire ghost watch, you know what’s going on. You have the algorithms to detect how lonely I am. You’ve shown me so much today— how this techno-infused landscape is both a dream and a nightmare. You give away my every move, my every preference, my every feeling. All you want to do is invade my privacy.”

The hot-and-heavy action begins, and Christie gets a “Stevejob”

Her hand found the right spot, familiar fingers dancing in an all-new way. The iWatch moaned. With her free right hand, she ripped her panties off and tossed them over Lenny’s binocular eyes, which had turned to stare. “Oh yeah!” she cried. “Give me a Stevejob.”

The sex scene gets a little weird (“docking station of pleasure?!”)

“Deeper,” she said. “Invade me. F—- the privacy right out of me.” She was so wet that her whole hand slid into her docking station of pleasure.

Siri joins the party

“Hello, Siri,” said Steve. “Hello, Steve. I found seven sexual positions that you both enjoy. Would you like to try one?” Christie and her wrist both nodded. Siri got to her knees.

And then, true love.

When billboards, drones, and other advertising delivery mechanisms saw Christie, they knew that she was taken. She was in love with Siri and her iWatch, so there was nothing to sell her; she was already fulfilled.

According to his author bio, Delaney’s “ultimate goal is to top the e-book charts on website Amazon.com.” (He’s currently ranked around 68,000th on the paid charts, and told me that he’s sold fewer than thirty copies so far.) If Invaded by the iWatch takes off, though, and Apple-themed erotica becomes a thing maybe we can look forward to Ménage à Trois with a MacBook.

For further enjoyment, here’s Fusion’s Cleo Stiller-Farrell doing a dramatic reading of Invaded by the iWatch: