There's No Fucking Way I'm Buying This Story About Romney Buying His Tux on Amazon

Mitt Romney’s 2012 presidential campaign was defined by what was, at the time, a very brazen approach to lying. He was a big old liar, telling big lies, small lies, inconsequential lies, stupid lies; lies, all the time. And now that he’s wading back into the waters of politics, running for U.S. Senate in Utah, he’s picking right up where he left off.

The New York Times reported today that Romney, who attended the Met Gala last night for some reason, bought his tuxedo for the event on Amazon:

Mr. Romney said he hadn’t been entirely aware of the gala, the Costume Institute’s annual fund-raiser, and the undisputed highlight of the New York social calendar. “Ann said, ‘Are you kidding?’” He attended at the invitation of Stephen Schwarzman, an old friend and business associate, and one of the honorary chairmen of this year’s event.

Mr. Romney was wearing a Brioni tuxedo, size 40 long, that he had found — “Don’t you dare!” interrupted Mrs. Romney — on deep discount on Amazon.

A Brioni tuxedo costs $6,495 new from Neiman Marcus. On Amazon, there are several options for purchasing your own Brioni tux, most of which cost around $2,000. Many appear to be sold by an outlet called ShopTheFinest, which sells a range of brands I’m not fancy enough to have heard of. This means the suit was not in fact sold by Amazon, but through a third-party seller of little reputation, though it has great reviews, including “it’s not a cloths,it’s kiton” and “Thank you from Russia.” (RUSSIA???) But who knows; Amazon reviews are famously shit. The suit could be made of nylon or cardboard or bees, it could be stored crumpled up on a factory floor. It is not always a safe bet, especially if you have the money to make sure you’re getting the real deal.

Still, it is possible that Romney bought a $6,500 tuxedo for $2,000 on Amazon. This being Romney, though, we must always consider: What does he have to gain from telling this story, true or not? Is it designed to make him look like an everyman—you know, the sort of normal person who spends $2,000 on a tuxedo to go to the Met Gala at the invitation of another unimaginably wealthy guy—or is it meant to show that his relationship with his wife is adorably feisty, with her playfully batting him down when he attempts to tell the reporter about his thrifty purchase? To guide our way, we must take into account his most recent Mittisode: making the absurd claim that “hot dog” is his favorite meat. It is not! That’s a lie! The man is committed to telling lies that, in his head, make him seem like a Normal American but that instead frequently come out sounding bizarre. Favorite meat: Hot dog. Favorite tuxedo store: Amazon. Favorite animal: Geico gecko. Favorite coffee shop: Dunking Donut’s.

Mitt Romney is a very rich man. He is worth about $250 million, which is approximately 125,000 Amazon-bought Brioni tuxes. I cannot claim to know a lot about rich people, but one thing I suspect is true is that they have much more cause to wear a tuxedo than your average American. I suspect, in fact, that Mitt Romney already owned a damn tuxedo.

Here he is wearing one in 2012:

I’m not saying Mitt has to keep the same tuxedo for six years. I end up buying myself a new winter coat every couple years, for example. But I suspect Mitt has had more than one occasion since 2012 to wear a tux.

Furthermore, if Mitt did buy the tuxedo on Amazon, that is not the end of the story; surely he would need it tailored. Although he does look like an android politician assembled out of a box, I do suspect that even he might need an inch or two taken in on the shoulders or the cuffs from the standard fit. Again, perhaps if Mitt were not a rich man, he would try to get away with a shabbily-fitting suit at the fucking Met Gala, but I am guessing that quarter-of-a-billionaire Willard Mitt Romney would, in fact, pony up to have it altered. Which kind of makes the whole thing absurd—what’s the point of buying your suit on Amazon if you just have to take it to a tailor anyway?

Perhaps Romney did buy his suit on Amazon. Perhaps this whole thing was premeditated, allowing him to give a cutesy anecdote to a Times reporter; perhaps he logged onto Amazon, searched for “brioni tux 40L,” and purchased one, in order to set up this story, which has been dutifully aggregated by multiple outlets.

Perhaps. But I think it is much more likely that Mitt Romney is doing what he does best: telling a weird lie that is clearly intended to make him look normal, but achieves the exact opposite effect. Well done, Mitt, you fucking weirdo.