These Are the Only Available Takes You Can Have About James Comey's Testimony Today

Welcome to WHAT NOW, a morning round-up of the news/fresh horrors that await you today.

If you’re one of the people who simply can’t get enough of the sprawling, B-movie-esque plot involving James Comey, Michael Flynn, and an uncomfortably friendly President Trump, today is your Super Bowl, because Comey is testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee starting at 10 a.m.

Even if you aren’t one of those people, you’ll absolutely have to have an opinion about the whole thing. It’s just the law.

Comey’s prepared remarks dropped on Wednesday afternoon and immediately whipped everyone into a frenzy. They were also a major gift to the take-makers of the world. (Related: Fusion will be liveblogging all the madness, starting just before 10.

Here’s a quick rundown on the road-tested opinions you, a news consumer, must consider having about the Comey testimony today (with a nod to Jeb Lund).

1. Comey is a patriot and a model citizen for our troubled times. Variations on this theme will include continuing to muse about how articulate and quietly well spoken the University of Chicago Law alum is. This is an excellent take if you’re a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat who still tweets about Bernie Bros and believes Comey cost Hillary Clinton the election but like him again now that he’s stood up to Trump.
2. That was a big nothingburger, just like I said it would be! This is a good one to deploy if you just happen to be an alt-right shithead or a rank-and-file Republican.
3. The FBI—it’s good. Please don’t malign the critical work of the FBI, a cornerstone of the American deep state and an agency with a legacy of trampling on American citizens’ rights. This is an obvious next step if someone in your immediate vicinity has already staked out Opinion No. 1.
4. The pee tape lives! Reading the room is critical, but this is almost always your best option. No matter that Comey said Trump denied any involvement with “hookers in Russia” in his prepared remarks. He said “hookers,” an obvious wink at the notorious pee tape.

WHAT ELSE?

• I really wish there was any counterprogramming I could put here. 10 a.m. might be a good time to drop news of your own scandal if you’re a public figure! (DM me first.)
• Greg Gianforte, the newly-elected congressman from Montana, is giving $50,000 to the Committee to Protect Journalists after he body-slammed a Guardian reporter on the eve of the election late last month.
• Melania Trump is finally moving to D.C. next week now that Barron’s school year is over. Good luck to the happy first family!