This Black Hole Is a 'Massive' Disappointment

Today, a team of scientists confirmed what we long suspected: black holes are a big old suck!

When I first heard the news that astronomers would be releasing the first ever picture of a black hole, I—like many of you—was excited. What would we see? Mad beams shooting out lasers in all direction? A stream of doomed spaceships being pulled to their demise? Of course I understand that camera resolution over a distance of 500 million trillion kilometers may pose technical challenges, but these scientists build a network of telescopes the size of the entire earth. I did not necessarily expect to see this (at least not in such sharp detail)

Image: via

But I expected to see, at minimum, something like this

And what did this team of “brilliant” scientists give us today, after all of that work of building telescopes across the world?

Image: via

Okay. What am I looking at here—a camera that you left in your backpack at night and the flash accidentally went off? A camera that a plumber put on a wire and stuck down your clogged drain? An image of what you see when the cop shines a flashlight in your eyes after you passed out drunk? Any of those I would believe. If you told me instead, “You are looking at a scientific marvel that should really blow your mind,” I would say: no I’m not. Maybe your mind is more easily blown that mine. That I would believe.

Scientists tell us that a black hole sucks up all light and none can escape. So how the hell did they expect to take a picture of it? You need light for a picture.


Who is the moron now? The American (and other) people who put their faith in “experts” who claimed they could deliver something not even Albert Einstein himself could. That is who.

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Hamilton Nolan

Senior Writer.