Eagles are a majestic bird. Bald but unashamed. Not good to eat, but fine to watch soar through the sky. Eating snakes for fun. But this year has been terrible for them, we are sad to say.
Did you even know the following fucked up things happened to eagles in recent months? Our guess is you did not.
This eagle was temporarily trapped in a power line. And for what? Because you are scared of the dark and need the internet every waking hour because you can’t be alone with your thoughts? What even?
This eagle was roasted and face-shamed on Twitter. The fuck?
This eagle was trapped in a waste facility. Does an eagle look like waste to you? We didn’t think so.
This eagle had to pose in a picture with House Speaker Paul Ryan, a man who cares nothing for eagles and only for privatizing Medicare and the upward redistribution of wealth. Disgrace.
The Philadelphia Eagles, a fetball spert tem named for our most regal of birds, was said to “suck,” according to our sister site, Deadspin. Unacceptable.
This eagle got stuck in a car, which has no business even touching an eagle. Then a radio station made a joke at the recovering eagle’s expense? 98.7 The River? Try 98.7 Go Jump in The River, you scum.
This eagle was ensnared 75 feet in the air by a rope in a tree and left to die for two days after authorities deemed it was “too high” to save—something we would never say about an eagle, and something we never are ourselves, not even after an entire edible. Then, an army vet stepped in and shot through the rope 150 times until the rope finally broke without hitting the eagle. The eagle was saved, but only after being left to die by our “government.” Have we no respect?
This eagle got stuck in a storm drain, like so much garbage or the titular character in Stephen King’s It. Have we got your attention yet?
After being removed safely from the storm drain, she was promptly put in a chokehold. A hero’s welcome? We think not.
This eagle was injured and nursed back to health, then set free along with another injured eagle. But the vets named them “Trump” and “Pence” before setting them free. What kind of world are we handing over to our children?
We are sad to say that only one good thing happened to an eagle this year, and it was this eagle who not only received a lifesaving skin graft but also was given this truly sick helmet. This headline tried to strip him of his dignity, but we are here to lift him up.
That is the current state of our eagles. Sometimes there are no words....