This is the worst bank robbery attempt of all time

Can you say “bank robbery fail”?

ABC13 in Norfolk, Virginia ran a story this morning of what is almost certainly the worst attempt at a bank robbery I have ever heard. Norfolk police arrested two men, aged 22 and 23, at around 4 a.m. local time Tuesday inside a bank. It is not hard to see why they got arrested.

The headline on the story pretty much encapsulates everything incorrect about this sorry attempt at a heist. Get a load of this:

2 men break into Norfolk bank, 1 found naked, feces on floor

OK, let’s break down what went wrong here.

“2 men break into Norfolk bank,” the headline begins.

This is a great start! Breaking in to the bank is a key step in robbing a bank. At some point during the bank heist, you have to physically force your way into the bank. No complaint about this portion of the bank robbing strategy!

Unfortunately, this is where it really starts to go downhill.

“1 found naked”

I just don’t understand this at all. Why would you get naked to rob a bank? I’m not a bank robber, so I don’t want to be too hasty here, but it seems like there is no reason to get naked in the process. If anything, you’d want your clothes to be on while you are robbing the bank, so that you don’t leave any prints, identifying marks, or droplets of sweat.

An amateur mistake, though maybe there was some tactical reason for being naked that I’m missing because I am not a bank robber.

This last part, however, still has me scratching my head.

“Feces found on floor”

What? What possible use could this serve? Don’t poop on the floor while you’re robbing a bank. You should definitely relieve yourself before beginning the heist; this must be, like, Bank Robbery 101. Dumb move, bank robbers.

ABC13 reports that the two men behind this horrible malfunction of a bank caper, 23-year-old Samuel Bland and 22-year-old Alex Ronne, have been charged with commercial burglary and felony vandalism. The police “believe alcohol was involved,” which, duh.

Advice to any future bank robbers: Keep your clothes on, and don’t defecate on the floor. That’s no guarantee for success, but it’s a great first step!