Photo: Jacquelyn Martin (AP)

As the government shutdown approaches the two week mark, President Donald Trump attempted to regain the political momentum with a Rose Garden press conference on Friday. It was an absolute train wreck. It wasn’t his craziest one, or his worst one, but it might have been his dumbest.

The president kicked things off with 16 minutes of rambling, nonsensical economic self-congratulation, punctuated by a bizarre refrain that undocumented immigrants “make a left” (??) when they attempt to drive (?????) into the United States.

Then he stepped back to allow his cadre of trained monkeys/high ranking Republicans kiss his ass for a few minutes. And then came the questions. Dear god.

Honestly, the whole thing was so painfully stupid it’s hard to narrow down just which moment was the one that crushed my will to live. Maybe it was the part where Trump confirmed that the government shutdown could take years. YEARS.

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Oh, and that wall? The president backed off his repeated promises that it’d be a concrete construction, and instead floated the idea that it’d be a “powerful steel structure” instead.

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You know, because steel is stronger, and, uh...see through.

As a reminder, the president wants the wall to be “see-through” because he’s worried someone might throw too much drugs on your head and kill you. Seriously.

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As the press briefing dragged on and on, the president confirmed an earlier report from ABC News that he might declare a national state of emergency to secure funding for his wall—the one he swore up and down Mexico was going to pay for.

No biggie, right? And as for all those people who actually own the property along the border where the president’s wall would theoretically be built? Well, he’s got something he likes to call the “military version of eminent domain.” Neato! (also: not a real thing).

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If you truly hate yourself, you can watch the entire accursed thing below. But be warned, it will make you question every decision that’s lead you to this point in your lift. Trust me. I know.