This woman fondled my ass and read the future

LIMA, Peru— She runs her hand slowly down my right butt cheek, probing for crevasses with her powerful fingers.

“I see a new job opportunity coming up for you in December,” Bibian Arango says, as she looks carefully at my ass to prognosticate my future.

A soft, meditative tune plays in the background. I feel my cheeks relax.

“The next couple of years are very prosperous, but you have to watch what you’re eating because you could have problems in your lower stomach,” the psychic says.

Arango sees several butts each week in her Lima office, a small room packed with statuettes of Catholic Saints, magic potions and a three-foot mural of Sheeva, the Hindu God.

The Colombia-born psychic says she’s one of the world’s few experts in rumpology, a pseudo-scientific discipline that devines people’s futures and analyzes their personalities by studying the features of their buttocks, and feeling out the general shape of their ass.

“Some people think it’s a joke, but I don’t really care,” Arango says in a distinct Colombian accent. “I predicted that Shakira was going to have babies with a soccer player…just by looking at a picture of her butt.”

Rumpology has been most widely promoted in the states by Sylvester Stallone’s mother Jacqueline Stallone, a self-styled astrologist and psychic who claims that the ancient Egyptians and Greeks made imprints of their butts on papyrus, and used that to predict the future. There’s no archaeological evidence to support the claim that ancient civilizations read each other’s butts, but it’s fun to imagine.

In Peru, where cigars, coca leaves, and tarot cards, are commonly used to tell the future, Arango’s method—and personality— stand out. For the past couple years, the pink haired spiritual guru has hosted a daily segment on Peru’s largest TV channel, where she reads tarot cards, talks about the horoscope, and frequently does live readings of local celebrities’ bums.

“I have no doubt that Rumpology exists,” Arango says back in her office, as she shows me a colorful poster of her TV show.

I asked her to give me more details of how it works, and she provided a crash course on the world’s main butt types.

According to Arango, the main butt types include the inverted heart [think Kim Kardashian], the square looking flat butt –aka the ‘boy’ butt— the V-shaped butt, and the round butt.

Arango says each type reveals clues to someone’s personality. For example, those with a round butt tend to be optimistic but emotionally insecure, while those followed around by square butts are determined individuals who care little about what others think of them.

The psychic said that features on the right butt cheek— crevasses, stretch marks, moles or noticeable blood vessels—offer clues about the future. A short purple vessel for example,  indicates an impending death in the family.

The left butt cheek talks about a person’s past, while the lines in the middle are supposed to provide clues about a person’s present.

“This knowledge came to me naturally,” Arango said.  “But with time you develop the ability to read these signs in more detail.”

I decided to test Arango’s knowledge on butts by showing her some pictures of well-known American assess.

First up was President Obama.

“The right part of his butt sticks out, which shows me that he is going through family problems,” Arango said. “There will be problems in his life, a big conflict with another country. The way he sticks his right foot out shows me that negative things could be happening,” Arango said. “He might fall sick and that could be big news…but by the shape of his butt, I can tell you he is a great human being.”

We moved on, naturally, to one of America’s most famous butts.

“First of all, I have to tell you that this is a fake derriere,” Arango said, guessing that Kim Kardashian’s butt might have been enhanced with injections.

I implore her to continue.

“What you have here is a classic inverted heart…these people tend to have bad luck in their love lives, and they struggle with back problems.”

“She might be famous but her biggest enemy is herself,” Arango continued. “She’s got a euphoric persona, but she also has to leave her ego aside. These kind of people rise like palm trees but fall like coconuts.”

Finally I asked Arango to analyze one of this year’s top presidential candidates.

“Oh my god, who did this woman marry!,” Arango said, looking at Hillary Clinton’s butt.  The psychic claims she didn’t know who the blond haired woman in the picture was, but analyzed her butt for us nevertheless.

“That crack on her [lower] left butt cheek shows me that she has had problems in her marriage,” Arango said. “I see a lot of solitude in her, and resentment with a gentleman from her past, which she still hasn’t overcome.”

On the upside Arango said Hillary had “an important project,” coming up. “I see her signing papers,” Arango said.

Presidential papers perhaps?

“It’s hard to tell,” Arango said. “But what I can say is that her past hasn’t been happy. She’s had to forgive her man, for a lot of things.”

With that, I turned off my ipad, and we bade farewell.

Upon parting, Arango told me to exit her building right foot first. I made sure to do that, and as I stepped into the streets of Lima, I glanced furtively at the various butt types passing me by, learning nothing about their futures.

Manuel Rueda is a correspondent for Fusion, covering Mexico and South America. He travels from donkey festivals, to salsa clubs to steamy places with cartel activity.