What the sixties were to rock and roll and civil rights, the seventies were to disco and denim, the eighties were to cocaine and shoulderpads: this is what the nineties were to objectively bizarre hair accessories. And yes, of course, we owned almost all of them.
Slap on some Manic Panic, tie on a bandanna, and throw on a sideways baseball cap for good measure – it's time for a walk of shame down memory lane.
1. The Hairagami
No wonder the Hairagami inspired a song. It was perfect for the one-woman aerobics class you taught in your bedroom…
Not to mention your oddball cousin's S-themed wedding!
2. Comb headbands
The scalp-scraping look is modeled here by Maria Shriver, who should have known better, if only because she is a goddamn Kennedy.
See also: those thick, stretchy cloth headbands. Sorry not sorry, Nicole.
3. The Hairdini
With the Hairdini, you'd be the fanciest lady in that board meeting/on that balcony/in front of that glass wall/at the Sears Portrait Studio.
4. The Braidini
From the people who brought you the Hairdini, the vaguely IUD-shaped Braidini seemed like it was really, really hard to use, even for that poor lady in the commercial. You had one job, lady in the commercial.
Scrunchies are coming back, if Hillary has anything to do with it.
No amount of barrettes was ever enough. Clip on more, and more, and more — it didn't matter, because life has no meaning. These are the Waiting for Godot of hair accessories.
7. Hair wraps
Also known as threadlocks, these elaborate self-crafting projects proved embroidery floss wasn't just for weaving friendship bracelets at camp.
8. Hair sticks
The perfect choice for the busy gal who may require pencils or eating utensils at a moment's notice.
9. Butterfly clips
For a brief period in evolutionary history, the butterfly and the human enjoyed a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship. It was beautiful.
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.