Season seven of True Blood starts this weekend but most of the show's fans aren't happy about what went down in the sixth season. Or the fifth. Or the fourth. Or even some things in the third. And even though I know I will rip every episode of season seven apart, I will watch every damn episode and like it (or not).
The show is an emotional roller-coaster, and I don't mean as in Sookie's heart is being pulled by every creature-human-hybrid imaginable. I mean being a fan of the show is an emotional back and forth between hating all the unnecessary explicit sex scenes but also loving when Alcide throws Sookie over his arms in one quick swoop.
So before we kick off a seventh season of story-lines we hate to love and love to hate, here are the seven story-lines we really didn't love. Like at all.
1) Arlene and Terry's devil baby
Arlene and Terry’s devil baby was a cute side plot for a couple episodes in season four but then it just got too confusing with the dead French woman who thought the baby was hers.
It would have been better if when the baby lit the house on fire he hid somewhere where no one could find him so then the surviving Arlene, Terry, and kids had to move away to live with Arlene’s distant cousin in Florida and were never bothered by vampires or devil babies again.
2) Sam’s family.
If anybody really cared about Sam’s mother, father, or brother please email me separately and I will formally apologize. But I’m going to go ahead and say they were all a waste of Eric screen time and their underground dog-fighting story was uninteresting and half-assed. The brother became a little more interesting as season three went on but ultimately we were all just waiting for his death, right?
3) Ifrit (smoke monster).
In what I assume was an attempt to create a topical subplot, or an unsuccessful ploy to bring in more straight male viewers, the writers decided to include the Iraq war in their vampire franchise. The story was a flop because nobody was affected by this except Terry and his random friend we don’t know enough about to care.
And even though Terry has PTSD and is a real weirdo, he is by far the most normal character on the show, and therefore everybody’s favorite. And so killing him off in the next season because he can’t live with the guilt of murdering his friend (who, remember, nobody cared about) was the most tragic loss of the series. He wasn’t bothering anyone, the actor didn’t have any other gigs, and frankly we would’ve been more OK with Arlene going.
I tried. I really, really tried. Like, I cannot even explain how many times I’ve rewatched scenes with Tara in them just to try to feel something for her. And it’s not just because she’s angry all the time or because everything terrible that CAN happen WILL happen to her. She is plain and simply an unpleasant character to be around on screen and even from a safe distance on my couch. The best thing about her was Eggs. Done.
5) Crystal Norris.
She was cute. She was mysterious. We were intrigued. Fast forward to about 10 seconds later when we find out she’s a were-panther hooked on meth and we’re over her and her freakshow rapey family. Oh and apparently the writers were too because she was gone as soon as she appeared and never spoken about again.
But what happened to all the she-panthers who raped Jason? Are there baby panther-Jasons out there?? Will they return in Season 7???
6) Lettie Mae.
Just like Tara, but worse, this woman has done nothing but antagonize her daughter. By now we get it, she is NEVER going to change. So stop trying to make Lettie Mae happen.
7) Sam Merlotte.
Now hear me out. I only have Sam on this list because I am frustrated with how the show has treated him. Every time he finds any comfort they murder the crap out of it. His character could've been one of the most interesting and complex, but they simplified Sam by only turning him into a sheepdog and slobbering over Sookie for the first couple seasons.
Then he falls in love with Daphne the waitress, who's also "different". Remember Daphne with the scars on her back?? What were those from? Oh yeah, from being a soul-hungry Maryann-the-Maenad cult follower. Dead.
Later he meets more shifters, HE HAS FRIENDS FOR ONCE, and falls in love with a total babe. But she used to be married to a werewolf who now wants to kill Sam. The writers forget about this story for a while until they kill Sam's babe horse-woman and leave him her daughter who is being hunted by her werewolf grandmother and company. So now Sam the puppy has to fight werewolves that are hooked on V (vampire blood that doubles as cocaine + bath salts essentially).
And if they think hooking Sam up with that young activist chick is a consolation for ruining his happiness all the time, I swear I will fast forward through all of Sam’s scenes this season. I mean it.
No I don't.
True Blood Season 7 premieres on Sunday, June 22 on HBO.
Romina Puga is a pop culture reporter and producer for Fusion. You can find her on "Fusion Now," Fusion's daily TV updates, going over new movies, music, apps, and why D'Angelo is still sexy.