Trump Brain Status: Jello Mold

Trump Brain StatusTrump Brain StatusDispatches from the cursed interior of Donald Trump’s overripe melon.
This image was removed due to legal reasons.

President Donald Trump’s clam chowder brain is never more terrifying than when he rubs his tens of functional neurons together and starts rambling about the possibility of using American military power for, well, anything, really.

Unfortunately, that’s what he did during an Oval Office chit-chat with Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison on Friday, where the president vacillated between his patented wet and dry modes to discuss the possibility of an armed conflict with Iran which, Trump insisted, would be extremely easy to start.

“Maybe it’s even a natural instinct, maybe I have to hold myself back,” Trump mused, calling war with Iran “the easiest thing I could do.” Instead, Trump announced a new round of economic sanctions of Iran, claiming they are “the highest sanctions ever imposed on a country.”


Still, to hammer home the point that doing war would be super-duper easy for him, Trump said, “I could do it right here, in front of you,” which makes me wonder if the president thinks starting a massive armed conflict in the Middle East is as simple as pushing a big red button marked “war” on his desk. (During a subsequent press conference with Morrison, Trump momentarily turned his attention to Afghanistan, where he claimed he could quickly win using “certain method of war” that would kill “tens of millions of people.”)


Trump also addressed Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s ongoing blackface scandal, saying he was “surprised by it, actually,” and insisting he’s “always had a good relationship with Justin” (fact check, please).


Trump also briefly discussed the elephant in the room: the growing scandal surrounding an intelligence community whistleblower who claims Trump allegedly promised a quid pro quo deal with Ukraine in exchange for their help damaging Joe Biden’s presidential run. In the same breath, Trump claimed not to know the identity of the whistleblower while also asserting, “I just hear it’s a partisan person.”


And finally, to insure we all fill our dumb quotient for the day, he vowed that America would “be doing the moon.”



Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.

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