Trump Brain Status Update: Cheesy Mashed Potatoes

Photo: Evan Vucci (AP)
Trump Brain StatusTrump Brain StatusDispatches from the cursed interior of Donald Trump’s overripe melon.

President Donald Trump backed away from his highly dubious threat to close the U.S.-Mexico border on Thursday, promising instead to do it next year if he feels like Mexico hasn’t done enough to stop immigrants from legally attempting to seek asylum in America.

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Get a load of this uninterrupted brain barf monologue from the Commander in chief:

Before I close the border, Mexico—we love Mexico, we love the country of Mexico—we have two problems: We have the fact that they allow people to pour into our country. We have to stop ‘em. Border Patrol has been incredible. ICE has been incredible. Law enforcement has been incredible. And the other problem is drugs. Massive amounts of...a large...most of the drugs, much of the drugs coming into our country come through the southern border. In all different ways. Much of it where we don’t have walls—the wall is under construction by the way. Large sections. We’re going to be meeting, I think on Friday, at a piece of the wall that we’ve completed. A big piece. A lot of it’s being built right now. Lot of its being signed up right now by different contractors. It’s moving along very nicely. But we need the wall. But we need lots of other things. So we need help from Mexico. If Mexico doesn’t give the help, that’s okay. We’re gonna tariff their cars coming into the United States.

The other thing is because Mexico is such a big source of drugs—unfortunately, unfortunately. Now we have China sending fentanyl to Mexico so it can be delivered into the United States. It’s not acceptable. So, the second aspect of it is, which you haven’t heard before, is that if the drugs don’t stop—Mexico can stop ‘em if they want—we’re gonna tariff the cars. The cars are very big. And if that doesn’t work, we’re gonna close the border.

Trump went on to praise Mexico’s immigration laws as “the most powerful you can have,” and later praised the fact that “they don’t have courts like we do,” calling America’s immigration courts “stupid” and “the craziest thing in the world.”

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Then, as if he weren’t inspiring enough, Trump ended his ramble with a nod to his as-of-now still entirely theoretical United States-Mexico-Canada trade agreement. Responding to a question of whether he thinks it’ll actually be passed by Congress, Trump answered with a resounding “whatever.

Truly, this is a man who is at the tippy top of his brain game.

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About the author

Rafi Schwartz

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.