Trump Hijacks DC’s Fourth of July Celebration to Make It About Him

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General Bone Spurs has finally figured out a way to draw large crowds to the nation’s capital: by hijacking someone else’s party.

Donald Trump began laying the groundwork for his usurpation of the annual Fourth of July festival in Washington, DC, in 2017, after visiting Paris. Last February, he tweeted, “HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the biggest gatherings in the history of Washington, D.C., on July 4th.”


Trump plans to alter a nonpartisan tradition that spans decades because he can’t get over the dismal crowd size at his inauguration and can’t have a costly military parade that he’d been whining about for months.

According to The Washington Post, Trump wants to move the popular annual fireworks display from the Mall to a location by the Potomac. He also plans to deliver an address from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, which is a disgrace given the deplorable comments the president recently has made at his rallies, which include falsely accusing mothers of conspiring with doctors to commit infanticide and “joking” about murdering immigrants in Florida, among others.


The Post said Trump’s plans have “raised alarms” among city officials about the “potential impact of such major alterations to a time-honored and well-organized summer tradition.”

Trump, a five-time draft dodger who has cozied up to murderous dictators like North Korea’s Kim Jong Un and Russia’s Vladimir Putin, wants the event to be called “A Salute to America.”

According to the report, Trump tapped the new interior secretary, David Bernhardt, to oversee the event’s planning. Bernhardt, an oil lobbyist, took on the role of interior secretary last month. Within a week, he was under investigation by the Department of the Interior’s Inspector General for multiple alleged violations, including continuing to lobby while in office and intervening in a scientific report on the harmful effects of a pesticide.


An aide told the newspaper that Trump is more interested in planning the event than in other policy priorities.


“The president loves the idea, as probably all Americans do, of celebrating America on the Fourth of July, or thereabouts,” Bernhardt told the Post. Or thereabouts?! Also, I’m pretty sure celebrating on the Fourth of July isn’t a new idea. I could be wrong.

An official in D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser’s office said administration officials haven’t yet submitted the cost of Trump’s modified party, an important detail considering the military parade he wanted would’ve cost taxpayers a staggering $92 million.


Whatever the cost, at least attendees will probably get a free hat. So there’s that.