Trump: Opioids Bad but Did U See Melania's Dress

“God Bless America” blared over the loudspeakers as President Donald Trump wobbled back and forth next to First Lady Melania Trump this afternoon. A smile stretched across his face as the dolt gripped both sides of the podium.

“Love that song,” he said. “But let’s get going.”

The ensuing 40 minute speech Trump delivered at the Rx Drug Abuse & Heroin Summit certainly got going. It never really knew where it was headed, but it was going. Initially, it went in a winding but fairly straightforward direction. Trump touted the “tremendous progress” he claimed his administration has made on addressing the crisis, laying out the fuzzy general details of the First Step Act for the supportive crowd, who intermittently applauded the commander-in-chief as he stumbled through what should have been a paint-by-the-number opening.

“In just four months, more than 16,000 inmates are participating in new drug treatment,” Trump proclaimed. “Criminal justice reform—I have to say—people are getting out of prison. And since our founding, they were having an impossible time getting a job. But because our economy is doing so well, perhaps the best it’s ever been in our history—best unemployment numbers in history; best everything—because of this, prisoners getting out are signing in, they’re getting jobs, and I can tell you that those employers, because I speak to a lot of them, they are thrilled. They had no idea.”

The peak of the madness came in a detour to praise the effectiveness of dogs (one of two acceptable pets), which quickly spilled into a diatribe on immigration and, sure, why not, the first lady’s dress the day he announced his presidential campaign.

Trump weaved his way back to his initial thought—the “soaring economy” apparently allowing former prison inmates to pick the “fantastic” job of their choice if they land a bad gig when they first get out—and then things, per usual, got weird again. This time, he lambasted the “deals” Big Pharma is purportedly handing out to European nations, calling on the companies to cut the same deals wit the fractured, money-grubbing American healthcare system. It ended with Trump turning the focus inward and backwards.

The president paused for a smattering of laughter that quickly morphed into cheering.

“I think you know what I’m talking about,” he croaked.

Nobody did, but they cheered anyways.